Welcome back to our series with Livius Besski, editor of Long Distance Lover – a site for men who love from afar.
The first post in this series was The 80/20 Rule of Love and Other Laws of Science as They Apply to Relationships. Today, I’m interviewing Besski about his views on seduction and the differences between men and women.
1. Besski, welcome back. I’ve noticed you use the word “seduce” in many of your posts. Can you define what you mean when you advise men to “seduce” women?
To me, seduction is the first stage of a relationship. Seducing someone is all about getting them excited about being with you, so excited that they may want to have a relationship.
I often talk about seduction in my articles because some of the principles that apply to seducing someone also apply to continuing the relationship. This is where most people fail – we forget about the seduction part after a while and things start to get dull.
To be more concise, the idea of building 20% attraction by playfully challenging our partners comes from seduction – and acts as an “excitement maintenance principle”. It keeps our partner motivated to invest in the relationship.
Therefore, simply put, when I advice men to seduce their girlfriends, I mean building attraction by playfully challenging their girlfriends.
2. In your opinion, are there differences between men and women in terms of what they want from relationships?
Well, in regards to this question I have two somewhat opposing but complementary beliefs:
One is that both men and women are very similar when it comes to love and relationships. I didn’t think this way until a year or so ago, when I had the chance to talk to a very inspiring woman (a psychologist, too). I was sharing with her my insights about “seducing women”, and while I was sharing those ideas with her she kept interrupting me and saying, “No, that’s what WOMEN have to do to seduce men! Because that’s what men need, not women!”
That was the moment when I realized, “Wait a second, we are both attracted by the same things – we both need challenge and satisfaction in our love lives because we are both humans!” This was a realization that was later confirmed by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in his book “Flow” and countless other observations that I made as a result of it.
At the same time: I do share also the belief that men and women are also different in some ways when it comes to love and relationships. Take, for example, the way that David Deida talks about it: Men and women have both kinds of energy – feminine and masculine. Women generally have a more feminine energy and less masculine energy. For men the opposite is true. This could also be seen from the hormone perspective: men have more testosterone (masculine energy) while women have more estrogen (feminine energy).
The main difference between men and women, as I see it, is well explained by David Deida when he says: “The search for freedom is the priority of the masculine, whereas the search for love is the priority of the feminine.”
Understanding this difference and respecting it would help couples have more fulfilling relationships. Women would not ask their men to make them a priority, and men would not ask women to be more independent.
3. What are a couple of the most interesting relationship books you’ve read in your quest to educate yourself about relationships?
Let’s see what I remember from the top of my mind:
“Double Your Dating” by David DeAngelo. I highly recommend everything that David D. has created for men – books, audio and video programs. He is a genius when it comes to becoming a better and more attractive man to women.
Another great book is “Models” by Mark Manson. This is a comprehensive book that mostly teaches guys how to meet and seduce women through honesty. The main point that he brings home is the idea of “being vulnerable” as opposed to needy – which is key both when seducing and when having a successful relationship with women.
There are also some great classics like: “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, which was the first book ever that I read about love and it blew my mind, I think I was 17 or so. Then “Men are From Mars Women are From Venus” by John Gray.
A few other great ones are:
“Mode One” by Alan Roger Curie. The author talks about being straightforward with women and honest with our desires, instead of manipulative, passive aggressive and scared to express them.
“How To Be The Jerk Women Love” by F.J. Shark. This is a great book for guys to learn about being a real man, especially the principles of “expecting more” (which I call having standards), and accepting less (which I call “having boundaries”). Both of these make a man more challenging, and thus a woman more attracted to him.
“The Way of The Superior Man” by David Deida. This is an excellent book about the dynamics between masculine and feminine energy – how a man can utilize his masculine energy and how he must approach and deal with the feminine energy.
But these are just the few “written books” that I remember from the top of my mind. I’m fascinated with this topic. I’ve read literally dozens of such books, and studied close to a hundred hours, if not more, of audio and video materials from a few dozen teachers. I’ve taken the best from all (and my own experience) and formed the philosophy about love that I wished I’d learned sooner: The Elixir of Love.
OK, folks, there’s a lot here to talk about.
Do you agree that search for freedom is the priority of the masculine, whereas the search for love is the priority of the feminine?
What about seduction? Do you/Did you set out to seduce your partner?