Moving in a long distance relationship is an unbelievably rewarding experience.
Getting to share simple pleasures like falling asleep next to each other, meeting up for random date nights, or kissing your partner before leaving for work is a dream come true for long distance couples.
But to enjoy these moments it also means one of you is turning their life upside down.
Studies show that most people consider moving to be the most stressful life event, even before getting married, having children, and even divorce.
Rightly so!
You’re leaving your job, loved ones, and the comforts of your stable everyday life behind for the unknown.
Some people are more equipped to handle the stress of uncertainty, but others will struggle immensely.
Whether one or both of you are having difficulties approaching the decision to move, we’ve put together some vital questions to ask yourselves and each other.
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Who Should Move in a Long Distance Relationship?
It can be tempting to try to convince your long distance boyfriend, girlfriend or partner to move to you.
We get it.
Being one of the most stressful and life changing experiences means we’d rather avoid uprooting our whole world if possible.
But pressure like this from either side can result in resentment or someone making the decision to move for the wrong reasons.
The rate of long term success…? Likely zero.
Which is why the decision of who should move in a long distance relationship needs to be made by both of you TOGETHER.
How?
By doing a deep dive and taking both of your current situations and living preferences into consideration.
This process should leave you with one or two scenarios to discuss further.
When it comes time to decide who should move, understand that compromise is key. For everything to work you will both need to make certain sacrifices.
What to Think About
Quality of life
Cost of living, support system and lifestyle are all important things to take into consideration when discussing the move.
- Where will the two of you have the best quality of life as a couple?
- What are your shared and individual goals for the future?
Employment
Consider any possible limitations a move would place on your career growth and goals.
- Would either of you need to quit your job if you moved?
- Is transferring offices or remote work a possibility?
- What kind of job opportunities for your respective careers are there?
Restrictions
If you live in different countries there may be cultural and political issues to consider.
- What is the process and cost to acquire a visa?
- What are the challenges with adapting to a new culture or speaking a new language?
- Are there family members that would be difficult to leave behind?
Next Steps Activity
As you go through these questions and considerations together, each of you should write down a pros and cons list.
This will help you both understand what your priorities are, what your concerns are, and what decisions need to be made.
Remember: It’s not necessarily forever!
While these questions should be taken seriously, just because one of you makes the choice to move now doesn’t mean you can’t both move back in the future.
When to Move in a Long Distance Relationship?
Whether one or both of you:
- Are contracted to work for a certain period
- Have studies that you need to finish, or
- Need to focus on important family obligations.
There are many factors prolong the date when you can finally close the distance.
Having a conversation and listing commitments that may prevent you from moving in the near future will help you put together a realistic timeframe.
It can also give you a better idea of what makes the most sense in terms of who should move.
What to Think About
The earlier you know, the better
Even if the date is far into the future, having one as early as possible is going to benefit your relationship.
An end date gives you something positive to look forward to and reduces the feelings of uncertainty that usually cause problems in long distance relationships.
TIP: If an actual date feels unobtainable, work your way towards it. Start with a year, then season, then month etc.
Understand your commitments
- What do you both need to complete before you’d be ready to move?
- How long are you committed to your current responsibilities?
Clarify your financial goals
Moving can hit your savings hard!
If there are certain savings goals you want to reach before closing the distance, outline how long it would take to get there.
Next Steps Activity
Use our Closing The Distance Date Calculator to pinpoint when you’d be able to close the distance based on how much you want to save beforehand.
Where to Move in a Long Distance Relationship?
For many long distance couples, it might be a no-brainer to move in together, but everyone’s relationship timeline and preferences are different.
- How long you’ve been together
- The stage you’re at in your life, and
- Your individual relationship goals
All need to be taken into consideration.
What to Think About
If moving in together
- Does it make more sense to rent or buy a place?
- What kind of place do you both want to live in?
- Would you move into the other’s place or find a new place to move to together?
If living separately
Think about if you’d each prefer to live alone or live with roommates depending on your financial situation. Does the person moving to a new place know people they could live with or would they have to find roommates they don’t know to live with?
Next Steps Activity
Visualize what your ideal living situation is.
Use an online tool like Pinterest to create a vision board about your dream home, or Google Docs to write a detailed journal entry about what would make your living space perfect.
What to Take When Moving for a Long Distance Relationship?
Whoever makes the move will likely want to take everything with them.
Wanting to surround yourself with items that remind you of home when you’re already leaving so much behind is understandable.
Unfortunately, some hard decisions need to be made.
If you’re in an international long distance relationship or have to relocate a long way, it can be more expensive to transport your possessions than it would be to just buy new ones.
If you and your partner decide to move in together, they might find that you have a lot of the same household items and furniture.
It might hurt in the short term to part with your grandmother’s dining room table, but shedding some extra weight can be liberating!
You can even sell what you decide to part with to help fund the move.
What to Think About
What you can’t live without
Think about your favorite items or prized positions that either couldn’t be replaced or will help make the new place feel like home.
What you can live without
Everything you don’t plan on keeping can be split into two groups:
- What to sell, and
- What to donate
If there are things you don’t want to permanently part with but won’t make the move, you can always temporarily leave them with loved ones or put them in storage.
Next Steps Activity
Write a list of every possession you or your partner won’t be taking with you.
Go through the list and mark whether you plan on donating or selling each item. Then, find a place to donate or figure out how you will sell your items and jumpstart the process!
Why Are We Closing the Distance?
Don’t forget to take a step back and make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons.
Closing the distance for good can absolutely strengthen your relationship, but it shouldn’t be looked at as the solution to any problems you’re facing.
It should feel like a natural next step for both of you, not a band-aid to fix any struggles you’re navigating or something one person is doing because it’s important to the other.
What to Think About
Ask yourselves:
- What prompted the conversation about moving?
- What are each of your reasons for wanting to move?
- Do you both feel the same way about moving?
Answering these types of questions will give you a clear indication of any motives for moving that aren’t in your best interest.
Next Steps Activity
Set up a date night, virtual or in person, and have an open and honest conversation about any hesitations you may have.
You’ll either find obstacles you need to navigate or validate all the reasons you’re excited to live together!
Ready to Make the Move?
Moving will inevitably be a stressful experience, but if you and your partner both feel ready and are open to compromise, it will also be an exciting and unforgettable experience.
Now that we’ve gone through the who, when, where, what and why.
You should have clarity around the most important topics you and your partner need to discuss when it comes to moving.
The next step is up to you!
Share our article with your partner and set aside time to broach the subject.
Remember: You don’t have to cover it all in one sitting.
These conversations take time, and trying to rush through them will add more stress to an already stressful experience.
Start with one to get the ball rolling:
- Share your thoughts and concerns
- Have them validated and responded to, then
- Complete the corresponding activity.
There are no right or wrong answers to the majority of these questions. All that truly matters is that you are closing the distance for the right reasons.
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