11 Serious LDR Problems

11 Serious Long Distance Relationship Problems (And How To Fix Them)

Lisa McKay Advice, Communication & Conflict 115 Comments

Everyone knows that long distance relationships are hard work, but what does that mean, exactly? What are the most serious long distance relationship problems out there? Can they be fixed, or are most long distance relationships ultimately doomed?

Don’t despair! Long distance relationships can totally work. They can even prove to be good for you, for a season. I know this first-hand—I met my husband via email when he was living 7000 miles away.

However, long distance relationships are tricky to navigate well. And there are some particular long distance relationship problems that don’t plague same-city relationships to the same extent.

Let’s look at some of those now. What are the typical long distance relationship problems, and how should you deal with them?

Long distance relationship problems #1: Getting stuck in a rut

Do you ever struggle to find things to talk about with your long distance love? Have you every felt heartsick with longing to be with your partner, but feel like you just have the same-old tired  conversations over and over again when you get on the phone?

This is one of the most common long distance relationship problems. These sorts of “dry periods” are normal in long distance relationships, but that doesn’t make them any less depressing and frustrating.

What’s the fix?

Put your head together and plan some long distance dates. Get a book of discussion questions for couples. This one only costs $6.99 and will spark hours of fun and fascinating talk time. And check out this article for some other fun ideas.

401 banner 1 500 x 250

2. Stalling in life

Do you find yourself moping around all the time–thinking about how much you’re missing your partner–while you wait until your next skype call or visit?

Do you feel as if the rest of your life is on hold until you can be together?

Does it seem like too much effort to go out with friends or do something by yourself?

When you’re in a long distance relationship, it’s alarmingly easy to allow important things in life—family, friendships, hobbies, exercise—to stall. But this will only make you more depressed in the short term, and hurt you in the long run.

What’s the fix?

Do not spend every spare minute talking to your partner (or daydreaming about said partner). Build a life where you are—a life full of friends and fun.

Do things that make you fitter, smarter, and happier. Do things that interest you. Do these things alone, if need be. Remember, investing in yourself is another way of investing in your most important relationship. Start now.

3. Neglecting other important relationships

Are you spending all your spare time on your phone or computer? If you focus all your free time and energy on your long distance love, your relationships with those close to you will suffer. In a nutshell: this is bad news.

You will be happier and healthier if you have a strong network of friends beyond your partner. To do that, you need to spend time connecting with them.

What’s the fix?

Check in with yourself by answering these questions.

  1. When’s the last time you went out to dinner with friends?
  2. Had people over?
  3. Had a quality catch-up with someone other than your long distance partner?

Who do you owe a phone call or email to? Make it a priority to properly connect with at least three people a week in addition to your partner.

4. Growing apart

When your love moves far away and some aspects of your relationship pause or slow down, the rest of life continues. You don’t stop learning and growing and changing just because the person you love isn’t there every day. Neither do they. You are both accumulating experiences. Some of these experiences will change you.

When you’re in a long distance relationship it can be harder to identify ways in which your partner is changing, and track with them through that process.

The reverse is also true.

No matter how much you love each other, there is a real chance that a slow drift during your time apart will cause you to grow away from each other in ways that frequent flier miles cannot fix.

What’s the fix?

This is one of the hardest long distance relationship problems to fix. Talk about this risk with your partner. Discuss what you should do if one or both of you starts to feel that you re drifting apart in important ways. Here are some important things that will help prevent that from happening:

  • Maintain good, regular communication.
  • Regular visits in both directions will help you feel connected to each others lives.
  • Both agreeing that you want the distance to be temporary, and having close-the-gap goal in mind.

Also, find a way to continue to learn new things and grow closer together even while you’re far apart. Check out our Great Dates Bundle below to find our best resources for helping you stay connected while you’re far apart.

Great Dates Bundle Add 500 x 250-2

5. Getting too tired or lazy to talk well

Couples in long distance relationships often speak about how the distance has actually helped them learn to communicate well, and at a very deep level. However, the opposite can also be true. Distance can also enable poor communication patterns to become established.

For starters, especially when one or both of you is busy, it can become easy not to invest in connecting deeply with your partner. In-depth conversations can become fewer and farther in between. It can become habitual to mostly talk about how your day was, or keep the conversation fairly superficial and brief.

What’s the fix?

Set aside some “skype date” time at least once a week that’s dedicated to more than talking about how your day was. If you’re feeling very busy or tired, it may also be helpful to dial back the talk time for a while. Try talking only a couple of times a week for a while so that you can recharge. Then, when you do talk, focus. Make it count.

6. Jealousy

Feeling a little jealous now and again is not unusual in a relationship, particularly when you are separated from your loved one. A little jealousy can even spark fresh attraction and a new appreciation for your partner.

However, while a single candle can illuminate a room, a blaze can burn it to the ground.

Uncontrolled jealousy can lead to a destructive combination of suspicion, possessiveness, insecurity, anger, and shame. If you’re feeling jealous, it’s a good idea to figure out how to control your jealousy before it starts to control you.

What’s the fix?

Controlling jealousy is not easy, but it can be done. Take a look at this article for more on the nuts and bolts of how to get a handle on overcoming jealousy: 6 Smart Ways To Stop Feeling Jealous In Your Long Distance Relationship.

7. Jumping in the deep end

Growing apart is a particular pitfall for couples that were established before they started doing long distance. Couples who (like I did) start their relationship across distance face almost the opposite problem—the temptation to become too emotionally intimate, too quickly.

In some ways, getting to know someone via email and phone calls can help your relationship. The distance can force you to talk about all sorts of things you might not have discussed if doing other things (or, um, each other) was a realistic option. When there’s nothing to build your relationship on but words, you can get to know someone’s heart and mind at a very deep level, quite quickly.

On the other hand, falling in love long distance is a risky business. When you start dating someone you’ve never met in person, it’s very easy to assume that they possess all sorts of charming qualities. It’s easy to believe that they are “perfect” for you. It’s way too easy to move too fast in your head and your heart, and to make serious commitments before you’ve ever met.

What’s the fix?

Remember that the rules of long distance relationships should be the same as those posted at public pools: Walk, do not run. And no diving in headfirst.

Take your time getting to know each other. Don’t let your head and heart run away with you. Approaching your new relationship in a measured manner may yield benefits for years to come.

If you’re in the first six months of your long distance relationship, check out this special EARLY DAYS bundle. It contains all our best long distance dates resources PLUS a special guide written for couples who meet at a distance–From Stranger To Lover: 16 Strategies For Building A Great Long Distance Relationship.

Early Days Bundle Deal 500 x 250

8. Miscommunications

Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen frequently in relationships. They happen when you share the same house with someone. They happen even more frequently when you’re miles apart and sharing life via emails or a phone line.

During the early stages of my correspondence with my husband, Mike, three consecutive emails of mine ended up in Mike’s junk mail folder. Luckily for me, Mike is not easily offended or hurt (or, for that matter, deterred). If he had shut down and stopped writing to me because he assumed that I’d stopped writing to him, we may never have figured out what had happened.

Another time, Mike and I were discussing something that I was very worried about. I explained my fears and Mike said, “That’s a fair concern.”

What I interpreted that to mean was, “Yeah, you should be worried about that.”

However, after further discussion it turned out that what Mike had actually meant to communicate was, “I understand why you might be worried about that, but it’s not going to happen.”

If I hadn’t stayed calm enough to tell him that his first reply had only made me more worried and unsettled, then he would not have had an opportunity to clarify what he meant and I would have continued to feel anxious.

When you’re in a long distance relationship it is much harder to access nonverbal cues like gestures, body language, facial expressions, eye contact, and even voice tone. This makes effective communication harder.

What’s the fix?

Remember this! When you feel confused or hurt, remember that you may have misunderstood what your partner said or meant!

Ask questions to clarify, and really try to respond thoughtfully rather than just react. Respond, don’t react is a great mantra to remember whenever you find yourself confused, upset, or angry.

Beyond any specific incident, learn the natural similarities and differences in your communication styles, and how each of you tends to react to frustration, disappointment, or conflict.

Check out this article series on managing conflict in long distance relationships. Knowing this sort of stuff can forestall a lot of misunderstandings and frustration, and help you deal with these sorts of “charged” moments more productively

9. Stonewalling

People sometimes email me about their long distance relationship and say something like this: “My boyfriend hasn’t answered my calls or texts for three days now. I don’t know what I did wrong. What should I do?”

That, my friends, is stonewalling. It is using silence as a weapon or an escape. It is controlling the situation by simply refusing to engage. Distance makes this particularly easy to do, and it can drive your long distance partner crazy with frustration, second-guessing, and self-doubt.

What’s the fix? 

If you catch yourself stonewalling, ask yourself why. Are you trying to punish or hurt the other person? Or are you mostly taking what looks like the easy way out by avoiding complicated emotions or discussions?

Whatever the answer is, stop it. It’s not a fair or respectful way to treat someone you claim to love. If you need some time to yourself, at least front up and explain what’s going on for you before you go silent. Don’t just disappear.

If you are on the receiving end of stonewalling, don’t let it slide. When your partner does get back in touch, tell them how hurt and frustrated it made you feel to get the silent treatment. Tell them how you wish they had dealt with the situation instead of disengaging.

10. Becoming possessive

Another issue that often pops up in my inbox goes something like this: “My long distance girlfriend/boyfriend wants to talk all the time. They freak out when I don’t answer a text within five minutes, and they want to know where I am and who I’m with every minute of the day. I’m starting to feel smothered but I don’t know how to tell them to back off.”

If stonewalling is controlling someone by holding them at a distance, becoming possessive is trying to control someone by grasping at them too tightly. Distance can make it harder to trust and easier for jealousy and insecurity to run rampant. This combination often fuels possessive and controlling behavior.

What’s the fix?

If you are feeling and acting possessive, try to figure out why. This is a complicated issue, and that might not be easy to do. You can, however, act less controlling even before you sort out all your feelings.

Take a hard look at what you are asking for from your partner in terms of contact, accessibility, and updates. Are your expectations reasonable? If not, decide what is reasonable (preferably together) and then stick to that.

If your partner is smothering you, tell them. Don’t try to make them back off by disengaging or stonewalling. That will only make them more anxious and demanding. Explain how their behaviour is making you feel, and how you’d prefer to interact.

11. Cheating

Do you want the good news? Here it is: Several research studies have concluded that cheating does not occur more often in long distance relationships.

Now, here’s the bad news: Cheating is not uncommon in relationships (whether same-city or long distance). Lying and cheating happen in relationships, and distance makes deceit easier to hide, for longer.

What’s the fix?

This is one of the most feared long distance relationship problems. If you’re worried that your partner might be cheating on you, check out the Closer Connections Bundle.

This bundle contains 2 good resources to help you build a closer connection and a stronger relationship. It will give you a step-by-step action plan and practical examples to help you figure out whether your partner is cheating, and what to do about it. It also contains our most popular resource (401 Great Discussion Questions For Couples) to help make connecting across the miles fun and easy again.

Closer Connections Bundle Deal

I absolutely refuse to end this article on such a low note, so let me take a minute before signing off to say this…

Every relationship has challenges–whether long distance or not. And long distance relationships can be totally worth it. Here are just a couple of the amazing benefits that can come from being in a long distance relationship:

  1. All that talking means you get to know each other very well
  2. You are less likely to confuse lust with love
  3. You get to road-test your trust
  4. You can learn to communicate and resolve conflict well
  5. You really appreciate the time you do spend together.

So take heart. If you’re in the middle of a rough patch right now that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in the wrong relationship. I’m cheering you on and wishing you all the best as you try to work out what’s going on in your relationship and grow closer and stronger even across the miles.


OK, your turn.
What long distance relationship problems have you experienced?
What helped?




Comments 115

  1. Im on a LDR with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. I so believe were going strong . recently , we hit rough a stage and I just recently found out that he had a stressful holiday with his family because they want him to no longer be in relationship with me because they thinks his going to be an old dad. They want him to get married and had a family soon cause his reaching 22 now. I told him we planned already to get married and have kids what’s there to worry about? And I asked him what he told him and all he said is that he just kept silent as he go on the reunion and that they keep on giving names of girls he can be with. He said his emotionally and physically tired. Please Lisa I need an advice on how I should face this situation. I’m just lost right now.

  2. So this is more of me asking for advice rather. My boyfriend said he couldn’t cope with the distance. He expected me to come to him. He lives in Europe, and I back home. He wanted me to apply to Europe so we could be together. I didn’t want to go to there for my education for a few reasons. Was I wrong? Yes, I wanted to be close to him, but as my education has just started, i want the best for me. No amount of distance is supposed to change that I love him.

  3. Like many other out there I’m struggling with the LDR..

    We met when we were both studying abroad and we were living in the same host family so we basically lived together before we even knew each other. We lived together as a couple for two years, separating on summer and Christmas break when I went to Sweden and he went to Japan. He visited me and my family one summer, and I visited him one. After

    Even the “small LD periods” were very hard for me. We are very different with the LDR, me being frustrated, inpatient and needy, him being calm, patient, and accepting of the situation – things that compliment us irl, but is horrific in a LDR. Whenever we’re apart he prefer to not text everyday, and maybe talk twice or once a week. I want to call him all the time, and when I finally get a hold of him I complain about he never calling me or answers, which just ends up with him not wanting reply even more.

    This has been the main struggle for me, until recently..

    After I graduated spring 17 I had to move back to Sweden, and he to Japan. He had to come back to the states for fall 17 though, to finish his degree, and the plan was that I would go to Japan to stay with him when he finished.

    He messed up and his visa expired without him nothing, so he was refused to go at the airport – meaning he had to go for spring 18 instead.. of course It was so frustrated, but instead I decided to book a trip to visit him in November 17 for two weeks.

    It was amazing to see each other after 5 months apart, and we fell in love all over again ( like we always do when we reunite ). We both realized that we’d almost forgot how good we are together, physically together.

    In desperation I made him promise that he would graduate spring 18, because I just wanted to be sure. Problem is that he is totally dependent on his parents because they pay for his education so the control is really not in his hand (and deep down I knew he could not promise me for sure). But I told him that I can’t do this anymore without a set plan, so he made the promise.

    The day before he was suppose to return to the states, his parents told him that their budget would not work out for him to go back now.. so once again we were back in square one. I was so sad and frustrated and I made him feel very bad about it – which ended up with him telling me that we should break up. He told me that he didn’t want to, but had to because he kept disappointing me and making me miserable. It was the first time he’d ever told me something like that and the first time I felt like I was going to loose him, because he was very serious and I understood that he meant it. I thought about it a couple of days and I just couldn’t imagine my life without him. I basically begged him to change his mind and had to convince him that I’m better off waiting for him then not have him at all. He said ok, but only if I accepted the fact that he simply can’t make any plans for the future, because he don’t want to let me down anymore.

    We decided that we now on have to let go of the thought of making a plan for us, and just live our lives as best as we can. He is going to fix his school and his life and become an independent man, and I have to focus on keeping my life going.

    Things are harder then ever now, not knowing what the future holds for us, but there is just nothing else we can do about it.
    I’m so worried he is going to give up on this, since our situation is so complicated, and he is such a practical person. He is more of a “realistic” thinker and can put his heart aside, while I guess I am more of a “romantic” person, thinking that love wins no matter what.

    All I know is that I won’t give up, but it’s gonna be very hard. I will have to make him assure that I’m happy, positive and not suffering. And I will have to be a good support, and not a cranky bitch. Also, I have to accept the fact that he needs his time to focus on fixing his own life.
    If there is a possibility for us to be together physically, I know it will be good in the end, it’s just that we can’t know if it’s possible yet.

    This is a real test if a LDR can survive without a future plan, because we just can’t set one right now. But how can I live on not knowing? That’s something I can’t do either.. when I finally found the one, how can I ever give up if there is still a possibility? omg love is just such powerful thing.

  4. Hey there I have been in this relationship for almost 2 years (12.27) and so far this was my best experience we had couple fights, argued a lot but always sweet talked and cared for each other. We have a 9h difference as he lives in US and I live in AT. We met each other on August. He is not working or anything he more so helps his brother who had surgery (beginning of the year). We planned or more so I always shared my future plans with him and he would always say “We will see” We talk daily, play video games together and always have something to talk about but I just want more especially after our trip together. He cares for his family a lot and would do anything for them. As I said we planned for 2018 that he would come over here so we can start both our apprenticeship and start building our careers together but at the same time I feel like I am taking him away from his family and that he will be super unsatisfied with it… I don’t know what I should do, I usually plan everything but I am so unsure about this recently…

  5. I love this article! My boyfriend and I are in a temporary LDR. The end is in sight, but when we visit eachother (every few months) things seem different than when we were together often. I can feel myself being guarded and tense around him. I think its a defensiveness to not getting too attached to the reunion since it will be a short visit. I have mentioned it to him and he agreed that he had noticed it too. Do you have any suggestions that I could do to change this reaction? Thank You!

  6. First proper day of my long distance relationship, my boyfriend has gone to France for 5 months and I am already struggling! Can’t even imagine getting through these 5 months at the minute,


  8. Hey, My current girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and the last 3 months we have been in an LDR (as she had to return to China). I am younger than her and have to stay in the UK for another year yet while I study. In the meantime, we have achievable goals that will result in me moving to China…and will spend time together. However communication is getting hard, she is a quiet girl but recently seems particularly uninterested and unmotivated. She is adamant that things are fine…maybe I am being over-analytical. Anyone got any advice… this is more of a get it off my chest then anything but any advice would be great.

  9. Hi Lisa,
    I’ve been (in total) in a LDR for almost 2 years now, my boyfriend and I met 3 1/2 years ago online. Anyway, last summer 2016 he came to visit me (I’m from the US and he’s from France) and it was great but after he went back I started growing cold in our relationship and felt like I didn’t have time for one etc so we broke up yet kept talking as just friends. Fast fowward to this summer and I went to visit him in France. It was wonderful, I met I his family and we decided to make things work. After coming back to the US I felt fine and things were going great, but recently in the last few weeks I’ve been doubting things about our future, whether I can handle or even WANT to handle a LDR and I’ve been growing cold and not being as affectionate and not being very intimate even he tries to imitate things. Also, if I’m being honest I don’t think I have a “love“ for him yet/still, I do like him but I’m not sure if I can say I love him. Keep in mind that we’re both only in our 20’s, I’m a junior in college and he’s in his last year of his masters degree but trying to look for options to do his doctorate in the US. He’s a great guy but I just don’t know what to do.

  10. Thank you for this article. I am in desperate need of some advice right now. My girlfriend and I were good friends all 4 years at college and the last week of college before graduation this past May we finally got together. Unfortunately we live 1500 miles away from each other. We saw each other every 6 weeks and we discussed me moving down in early 2018 She acted weird for a couple weeks before my last visit and then she barely spoke to me the entire visit. Before I left she told me that she needed some space and time to think and that she was freaking out about me moving down so soon. I think she’s afraid that if I move it means that we HAVE to move in together eventually and HAVE to get married or I’ll end up resenting her. That’s not how I thought of it. I work from home so it doesn’t matter where I live and I just wanted to have a normal relationship. We havent spoken for a few days now. Any advice on what I should do and what I should tell her once she’s ready to talk again? I love and miss her and i’m scared of losing her.

  11. Thankyou for this nice advice.

    i feel very possesive about my boyfriend. we do not have any trust issues or such. we love each other but we both are very stubborn. we never say that we are wrong even if we are. we are together now for 2 years. and its getting harder and harder. im feel like dying. i tried everything. going out with friends party and all but nothing helps. i think about him all the time. w are very different people. i am more romantic kind of person. and he finds everything funny. he laughs all the time and that makes me mad all the time. thats why im angry alll the time and he doenst want to talk to me that much 🙁 🙁

  12. Just an update on how things are going with me, I have recently started talking to her again (within the last 2 weeks.) She has told me herself that she still cares and has feelings for me and is willing to work things out, as long as I can promise that I will visit her. And vice versa (after I visit her so that she see’s that I am serious about the relationship)

  13. I think you should go for her. Have no regrets of you love the person. If she doesnt reciprocate your feelings at least it is clear to you

  14. Love the tips. I always overthink with the things he says. For example, today I sent lyrics from the song, “Just to hear you say that you love me.” His reply was, “very beautiful. I do love you it just hard for us to feel it at this distance.” My mind has thought a million thoughts to the last part of his reply. Having a long distance takes a ton of work. I wish I didn’t overthink things.

    1. Post
  15. Great post, many times being in a ldr can be so very isolating because seems no one can relate to my feelings around me however supportive they might be.
    So here’s the thing, we’ve been in a very communicative, and nourishing relationship for 3 years now, we live in different continents and I’ve visited on two occasions and he has on one all the visits have lasted 6 months in average. We hope to be able to remain together permanently but jobs, the economics of the logistic aren’t the fastest things to solve.
    I feel sometimes like is almost painful to talk, we both look forward so much to talking to each other but the stress of work, money, missing each other leads sometimes to dry conversations and then we both feel dissatisfy because we know is not fulfilling, but it is also part of life, anyway, I consider both of us to be highly intelligent people, trust each other absolutely but stress does leak in and has a way to drain the joy out of all, beyond the “what to talk about” which is all good and helpful, I wonder how to better cope with the anguish of missing him, being supportive, carry on with my job, connect with immediate family around me and still be assertive… and you see already I can feel snowed under.
    Anyway, great job with your post, made me feel I’m not alone.

  16. follow your heart and go see her asap. she needs to see that you are willing to hustle and do whatever it takes to be with her. if she’s the one for you, she’ll reciprocate that.

  17. What’s the future for your relationship? What’s the ends date for being in a LDR? If there isn’t any, then you may want to ask if your relationship is really likely to go anywhere, even if you do get her back. A LDR needs direction. Good luck!!

  18. So, I have been in a LDR for about 2 years. And recently she broke up with me because she said that it was getting boring, even though I feel like this is false and she is just tired of waiting on me.
    One of her closest relatives has reached out to me and told me that I should come and see her if I truly love her. But my friends also tell me not to do that. I’m kind of in the middle and not sure what side to take because I still love her and from what her relative says, she still loves me. Should I take her advice and go see her and continue to fight to get her back. Or listen to my friends and leave it alone.
    Personally, even though I said I’m in the middle and not sure what to do, I feel like everything else is telling me to go to her. I know that might sound cheesy and or unrealistic. But I could really use some advice on this.

    P.S. I am also saving money for plane tickets, etc that way if the answer is yes I have some kind of a head start.

    1. Post

      Heya Jeremy… tough situation!! It’s hard to figure out what YOU want to do when everyone else is weighing in. My advice is to think forward a year, or two, or ten. If you don’t go… might you regret it? If you think there’s a decent chance you’ll regret not giving it that one last try… go. If you’re feeling peaceful (even if sad) about a closed door, and you’re confident you won’t look back and wonder, no need.

  19. Hello!

    There has been some questions about my boyfriend on my mind lately. We’ve been talking over the internet over 3 years now but we just started dating almost two months ago. He has been my dream recently, he’s always understanding regarding my situations and our conversations last for hours since we luckily do have the same interests. But he tends to have alot of self-doubt and is very easily frustrated with things in his life. It’s a feature I got to meet after a while of dating. It’s not really burdening me that much at the moment but I don’t know how to help him or how to make him feel better about himself or his achievements. I’m currently 20 and he’s about to be 18 and I want to excuse his frustration with his age but I’m not sure. He also doesn’t like to talk about his personal insecurities which makes me really upset. We’re planning a summer trip for 2018 and I’m still puzzled about his feelings about himself… I also don’t quiet understand why he doesn’t like to open up to me.. am I doing something wrong?

  20. In a long distance relationship you will fight and people will change, your partner won’t be who they were when u met them but DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for them changing. I blamed myself for my boyfriend becoming distant, him changing, and for all the pain I put him through, but sometimes we only look at how we make our partner feel, we need to look inside our selves and see that you have pain too and it’s not all your fault, It’s not fair to hold all of that responsibility on your shoulders. It takes two to fight and it takes two to rebuild a relationship, both must want it for it to work, and if one doesn’t want to try then let them go.

  21. Pingback: To LDR or Not to LDR? – Letters to Lia

  22. I’ve been in a LDR for about a year with a boy I met from a different country who was a foreign exchange student in my school. We spent basically the whole school year together and were practically inseparable. It’s been about 4 months since he went back to his country, and I even visited him for a month in Spain. But things are starting to get more difficult. He is once again a foreign exchange student in the U.S. but is still far away. It is beginning to be very hard for us to communicate properly, and I would just like to know if we should give up this easily? We both care and love each other but it’s beginning to be a lot harder than we imagined, and the fights are increasing. I hope we can have a future together but I’m worried we may not make it till the end of the school year. Advice please?

  23. I have pretty much always been in a LDR with my boyfriend ever since we met over 1yr and 8months ago. I was in school and would always be away from him for 3-4 months, then he would have to leave for work in another country for 2-3 months, then he’d be taking a vacation with his family for a month, is be going abroad for school for 4 months, he’d be going abroad again for his job and it just goes on and on. Right now he is international for his job and has been there for over two months. The thing is that the return date keeps getting pushed back because he needs the money. I’m frustrated about this because LDRs really need end dates in my opinion. First he was supposed to return August 18, then September 17, and now he is staying until the whole project is done (who knows how long that will be). He says only until the end of September, but knowing the amount of work they have makes that time frame seem very very unlikely. He thinks I should be more understanding, but from my side I feel like he’s making money a priority over his relationship that is clearly suffering. I’m angry with him for this decision and don’t really know what to say to him.
    I’m sad, lonely, depressed and the extension of this end date is really having a toll on our relationship. I don’t know what to do! Is he putting money over our relationship? Am I being stubborn and selfish? HELP!

  24. It sounds like you love your boyfriend but you feel insecure about the outcome. Part of building trust is open communication and each partner taking the small steps to meet the other partner’s emotional needs. I think you should tell your boyfriend how you feel about your emotional need to be reassured that he wants to talk to you but that the circumstances preclude at one time or another. A simple gesture of him telling you that I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to talk today or I know we didn’t talk that much today so let’s set up a FaceTime or Skype date this weekend. Those gestures may make you feel more secure about the condition of his feelings and the outcome of the relationship. The other thing that is critical in my view in long distance relationships is having meaningful interactions or quality time with your partner. Since you cannot get to know your partner through the same interactions you would if you lived in the same city, you have to use the time you see each other and the skype dates to get to know them as ,uch as possible over time. Long distance relationships can obviously work. The difficulties can be overcome. The reality in my view is whether each partner invests the time and energy into the hard work of meeting each other’s emotional needs while balancing against the reality that you have your own life.

  25. My boyfriend and I have been doing long distance for 4 months now. I’ll definitely be visiting him again in November and there’s a small chance he will come to see me before that, but we have no actual end date in sight. I’ve been coping not as well as I could be – I relocated countries to be closer to him (but still look after my career), and I have no friends or family in my new city.

    He obviously wants to go out and catch up with people because he’s been away from his hometown for a couple of years, but with the time difference we literally do not have time to talk in the mornings like we used to when we were in different countries. If he goes out, we can’t talk much or at all in the evenings, either. He does try to call if he gets home earlier than expected, but I keep feeling disappointed when he says that he’s going to be out, which means we won’t have any time together that day. He hears that I’m disappointed, he feels guilty but then feels angry because he shouldn’t feel guilty, and then I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world because yes I’d like to have daily contact with him but of course he needs to go out with friends.

    I love him so much and I want to keep our relationship moving forward but I don’t know how when we have so little time together. We’ve talked about my reactions a couple of times now and I feel like I need to find a way to not be disappointed when we don’t talk for a day or two. I know he loves me, but it’s still hurtful when we don’t get to talk and he doesn’t say something like “but we’ll talk tomorrow” or “sorry we didn’t get any time today” when he knows it’s important to me. I don’t know how to change it, and I feel like a crazy person for caring so much. Any advice?

    1. Hi Sarah,

      I have very little advice because I am going through a similar situation. I am a grad student, so I am very busy but spend a lot of time working alone at home. He spends a lot of time with people at school and sometimes gets caught in his day and it takes 8 hours for him to respond unless I push him or make it clear I am upset.

      We are engaged and I know that he loves me deeply, but I don’t feel that way when we go more than a day without talking. I get antsy in our relationship if I am always the one messaging him, calling him, and trying to schedule Skype dates. I know I’m being needy but I feel desperate.

      Some strategies I’ve been trying, with varied success, is to call a friend or family member when I can’t get a hold of him and am feeling really lonely about it. I’ve also tried getting out more and going to coffee shops, parks, book stores, etc when I feel lonely as well. Just getting out and having something else going on. I’ve tried to make it clear that I need some more communication from him, but that has met limited results.

      I guess that’s all to say its really hard and I feel your pain. It is very lonely and does make one crazy sometimes. If you have figured anything out I would love to hear it!

  26. Hi Alex, you never know what the future can hold so i don’t reccommend you rush into things at this point. If you are sure of his love for you and your love for him then definitely give yourselves a chance to work around this. My fiancè lives overseas and we have been engaged for 2 years and I understand how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship and the feels you get recently after leaving. Trust me, you feel like the depression is hella real..however, the only thing really keeping us together is that we know that we are perfect for eachother and that it’s actually hard finding a perfect match. Nothing in this world is easy and sometimes choosing the easy way isn’t always the best way to go about things. It does get easier once time passes. Especially if you have a hobby or a pet you can pour your love into because you have so much bottled up ! I know it sounds a little crazy but animals actually make you feel better by sucking up all your negativity. Completely off topic but anyway, try and keep your relationship alive on the phone. Don’t talk about how depressed you are because it makes things worse, not that that’s completely not an option but don’t always make it about how much you miss eachother. Try and fill your time with things that keep you busy while keeping a special time for eachother. Good luck

    1. Post

      Good words of advice, Mary! Yes, Alex, I don’t recommend you rush into any decision, either. It’s a HUGE change you’ve both just made (moving PLUS going from being together to being apart). The first couple of days/weeks are going to be rough. Hang in there, don’t make any quick decisions, and focus on getting your feet on the ground in Georgia. And check out this article, it might help. https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/things-to-do-happier-ldr/

  27. Hi Lisa,
    My boyfriend and I have dated for 10 months. I planned on going to a college in Georgia before we even started dating. We both live in North Carolina and about a month ago he got a baseball scholarship to App state. I was devastated because I thought he would come to a college in Georgia with me so we could be together. Now I am moving to Georgia and he will be in North Carolina 6 hours away. I would be okay with doing long distance for a year but the fact that we have to do it for four years is discouraging. We hung out almost every day for ten months and I’m so used to being with him all the time. I’ve only been in Georgia for three days but I’ve been in my room the entire time sad about the whole situation. I don’t want to leave him but I also don’t want to be sad for 4 years. Although it sounds pathetic, I feel so alone without him because he was my best and only friend in high school. I don’t know what to do and no one else really understands where I’m coming from.

    1. I’ve been dating this girl for at least 8-9 months. We’re both going our separate paths and we both hurt each other a lot during our relationship, yet we are still together. Towards the end, before she left, she wanted to do long distance until December. But after that it will be done because we are both going our separate ways. i’m going to Canada and she’s going to Scotland. I tried pushing her away when she left for summer holiday, because she said she was going straight to scotland. She didn’t tell me that she was coming back, so I told her that it’s over and done with. I had no idea that she was gonna come back because she said she wasnt going to. So automatically, I had to end it because i dont believe in long distance. I love her so much and I strongly believe long distance does not work, but she came back to doha without telling me. So i saw her, and now, she’s leaving again. she’s leaving this time, but she will be back in December, and she knows that I love her because she wont stop pushing me and she knows well enough that i love her deep down. I tried making her hate me, but she still doesn’t. What do i do. Do i keep it till she comes back in december? She’s going to university and i’m gonna be staying in the country because i am currently working, and then im leaving to Canada in december. what do i do i’m so lost. i really am because this girl is amazing and i know that, and i’ve tried to push her away, tell her i dont love her, and i hurted her just so she would get over me. But she still wants to do long distance with me. What do i do. im so lost.

  28. I’m in love with the most amazing man. We are dealing with long distance due to his career choice being the military. Currently we are on opposite ends of the world (13 hours time difference – his being ahead). We spent a year together prior to this adjustment. Mutually we are in love – at least I think we are. Since he got to Korea it’s been crazy work wise but on the weekends when he’s free he blows me off. Barely talks to me and never initiates actually video-chatting with me. I’ve expressed my frustrations at this but nothing ever changes. He acknowledges it but then just says ‘sorry, I’ve got things to do’ or ‘work’. I get the military being demanding. I get that he works a strenuous job but most of the time it sounds like he’s home playing video games or out with his friends. I’m incredibly frustrated as I stay up late at night to attempt to talk to him or wake up extremely early and both are met with ‘I’m so tired I need to sleep’ or rushing off the phone as soon as he’s on. Trying not to assume anything but that he’s telling me the truth but something seems incredibly off. There’s a lot of great tips in this article but I feel as though I’ve totally found my soul-mate and I’m scared of losing him after a whole year of loss.

  29. Hi Lisa,
    I met my boyfriend over 10 months ago while I was on exchange and it was love at first sight, he was sweet and loving and everything I ever wanted in a guy. We had this short but what seemed perfect 2 month relationship until I had to come back to my country. We decided to do long distance because our feelings were too strong and since I came back everything started to change…
    We practically lived together when I was there, we worked on the same place and spent ALL of our time together, we both enjoyed it and the clinginess was mutual. But since the moment I came back everything changed, I had in my mind that we were going to be the kind of couple that was going to stay really “clingy” at least at the beginning because of the separation but he was the opposite. His idea of a LDR was disappear all day and just talk before bed, this was a big shock to me after spending so much time together.
    The thing is that I was really patient and after 4 months we finally got to a place where I felt comfortable (not too clingy but not too distant).
    We had plans for our future, it was going to be 2 years until we closed the distance with visits in between but our paths changed and we were forced to break up about 2 months ago because of zero possibilities of visiting and more time added to our LDR. We couldn’t stand the break up (only lasted 2 weeks). We decided to stay together but after this I feel more vulnerable and needy than ever and I feel this is pushing him away, the fights are starting to increase and our situation still doesn’t have a solution.
    I’m possessive and jealous and ever since I came back to my country he started to spend all of his time with his friends, something that I never liked (and NEVER did when I was there) but it wasn’t a big deal until now. I can’t stand it because he is a busy guy and if he didn’t had a lot of time to talk to me in the week and his friends made plans he prefers to be with them; his excuse always is “you are not here, if you were here I would spend all my time with you” he sometimes acts like it’s a big sacrifice to “stay home and be on the phone” but when he does I can tell that he loves talking to me and has a good time.
    I feel that everything changed after that break up but we still love each other, what can we do?

  30. Hi Lisa, could you give me some advice?
    I had a crush on an Erasmus student at my university but I wasn’t planning on making a move because I knew long distance relationships aren’t for me. I was just content with daydreaming about someone. It was also a time when I was really working hard on improving and focusing on myself so I felt just overall very happy and accomplished. Then in April he asked me to date him… I was very shocked, the idea of a relationship had crossed my mind as an illusion, but I had no idea (well, I tried to “read the signals” so maybe I had a small idea) it was a possibility for it to become real. Also, I’m someone who doesn’t like to rush things because I only want to commit to someone if I don’t see an end to it. The first thing I told him when he asked wasn’t yes or no, it was “but you’re going away”. So we sat down and had a long talk, then walked and continued the talk, and in the end I couldn’t reject him. I didn’t want to. I felt like, if I said no, I would regret it. Even if I was going against two main principles of mine. So I said yes and we’ve lived happily for 3 months… those were the most amazing months! So many unexpected things happened, so many new experiences, he never once deviated from what I want in a man, he kept surprising me with his maturity and I felt very secure. Our plans for the future are also convergent, none of us stops each other from achieving their dreams for the other.
    So, 3 weeks ago (yes, only 3 weeks and here I am!) he went back to his country and we already have two visits planned: he’s coming to see me 2 weeks from now and stay for 13 days and then he’s coming again on Christmas for 6 days. He already bought the tickets. The thing is, while we always had something to talk about when we were together, now I just don’t find most of our conversations interesting and I’m a person who doesn’t do small talk, but with him I’ve been doing it just to keep in touch and it doesn’t make me feel any good. Also, everytime we come up with an actually interesting and exciting topic, he usually sugests that we save it for when we’re together, and I agree that it would be much more fun to talk about it when we’re together, but that leaves no theme for the distance communication. I feel bad because I’m raising issues only 3 weeks after he went away, but I really want to improve our communication when we’re apart. Also, another problem with communication is that we don’t have the same mother language. We have english in common and that’s mostly how we communicated when we were together. I’m learning his mother language and he’s learning mine (we were even before we met), but he’s at a more advanced level than me so he wants us to text in my language so that he can practice. However, even though his portuguese (my first language) is more advanced, it’s still not quite good and a lot of times I don’t understand what he wants to say, so our conversations have frequent gaps and aren’t fluent a lot of times…
    There’s another thing. (I’m sorry, I feel like I’m pointing out all my problems, but I think the way I feel is being influenced by all of these). I have a long distance best friend whom I met online 3 years ago. At some point, we admitted we liked each other (I even felt in love and I think he did too) but we never committed to each other precisely because of distance, we knew either of us would take it. The thing is, because I met him online, the base of our relationship were words from the beginning and we learnt how to talk and what to talk about, our conversations were never once boring and we were always a sort of shelter for each other. We still are. So, we were always best friends before any romantic connection, but we did flirt and dreamed about a future together, and we would mention it sometimes with no pressure attached. I think, if we had met in person before any of us fell for someone else, we would have ended up together. The thing is, now that I have a boyfriend, I had to tell my best friend that we should cut the flirting and not fantasize about being together as a couple anymore. He was sad (and I was a bit too because I felt that I was letting him go for good) but he understood and our relationship wasn’t affected by it (we really trust each other and are important to each other). Our conversations and how interesting they are are also not affected by this change. My main issue is that (even though I have in mind that the relationships started with different bases to stand on) my conversations with my best friend (and previous love interest) are much more exciting than the ones with my boyfriend. One time, my little sister even saw me smiling like a fool at my phone and said she knew I was talking to my boyfriend, but in truth I was talking to my best friend. Just before I had been talking to my boyfriend and she didn’t comment it at all, so I guess I wasn’t smiling that much at that time. I’m not saying I love my best friend more than my boyfriend. They are different kinds of love. I love my boyfriend very much, and he’s so good to me… trust isn’t an issue to me, nor jeaulousy, it’s really just communication… I don’t want my feelings for him to cool off just because we’re apart. I think, if we were together, I wouldn’t even be comparing my communication with him with the one with my best friend… I feel bad for doing so… help?
    Thank you for your time reading this!

    1. Post
  31. Hi Lisa,

    My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for just over 5 months now, and we’ve hit a wall.

    Suddenly, he fell ill with an ear infection that caused migraines – meaning, we were unable to contact each other as he needed to stay away from bright light and loud sound. Simultaneously, it was my school break and I found myself with a lot of gaps in my time, even though I was trying to fill them up.

    I felt lonelier than usual and noticed my boyfriend trying to spend more time with me despite his poor health. That made me feel absolutely terrible and so, he told me that I needed to think of him less to counter the loneliness instead.

    He said that we were too dependant on each other and that we needed to stop this. He described to me his own issues; he was becoming complacent in his own responsibilities as he felt that I would support him regardless. I agreed, as I had been concerned he was spending his money too freely as he should have been saving up for his eventual move regardless of me helping him pay for it. He continued by saying that there was nothing we could do for each other except for pep talks, when all we really need is a hug.

    Quite frankly, I was taken aback. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t relying on each other the essence of a relationship? I also had always been satisfied by our relationship and felt that all I did need was the occasional encouragement and that person that you know will always believe in you – but then I thought, maybe I’m not providing that for him like he is for me?

    For now, our solution is to stop talking to each other through the week and have quality catch up on the weekends to avoid the heavy reliance. However, I’ve been thinking: is this one of those instances where “if you love them, you have to let them go” applies? Should I unshackle my boyfriend from the long distance chains and let him find someone who can give him what he needs? We are still very much in love with each other but we’re also both quite young, I’m 18 and he’s 21. Please give me some advice on what actions I should take from now on.

    Thanks in advance,

    1. Post

      Wow, it’s great that he’s got the insight and courage to describe his own issues and be up front with you about where he’s at. But it sounds like that’s caused you to feel confused and unsettled. Gosh, relationships are tough sometimes, aren’t they? I think that this may be a case where “both of you are right.” He may be right that you’re starting to rely on each other in ways that are becoming unhealthy/unhelpful (and if he’s becoming careless with his money, he’s right on that). And you are right in that the essence of a healthy relationship is some significant degree of relying on each other. It’s finding the balance in that that can be so hard, and particularly hard if you’re far apart.

      If you still love him and are willing to do the “talk on weekends” thing only for a month or two, hang in there and see how it is. Don’t be too quick to end the relationship because you think that’s what HE wants, if it’s not what YOU want. On the other hand, if it’s not working for you after a month or two to talk only on the weekends, tell him. Look for a way forward, or then start looking to go in a different direction.

  32. I’m in a long distance relationship with this girl and the truth is we are fine we’ve never had any problems or anything but now she’s disappeared today makes it 4 days since I’ve heard anything from her and it is killing me especially like I said we haven’t been having any problems or anything. She literally told me she’d be back but that was Tuesday and I haven’t heard anything. I’m scared that something might have happened or something.

    1. Post
  33. Hye Lisa, I stumbled upon your website and thought to ask a few questions about my relationship. I am from Malaysia (Nice to meet you!) and my boyfriend is in Singapore. All I am about to tell you did not happen until a week ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and we’re about to go into our 4th. I met him through a dating app when I was visiting Singapore for a concert. The night after the concert, we agreed to meet, and we did, he was all i was hoping for all my life. The one that fits the last piece of my heart. I knew i liked him when we hung out for the third time. I even went to visit him a few weeks after. We had a lot of good memories in just a short amount of time. But things took the other turn after I left and he got caught up with work. I knew his job scopes so I convinced myself that everything was fine. Until one night. I called him after a week that we haven’t been able to chat at all. It was a video call. I was being honest at how frustrated and pissed off I was, not at him but at the situation that we’re both in. Then he said it, “I’m going to be honest since we’re both being truthful”. His feelings for me were not that strong as it used to before. His reason being that he is at the age where his career is his primary target. I get that. I don’t want him to choose between me or his career either. I wanna make him happy. But his willing to give us a fighting chance but those words are merely words to me now. I can’t sleep, I’m not eating right, and I’m not even behaving like myself. He is only my second boyfriend for the past 22 years I’ve lived. I love him now as much as I loved him before, maybe even more. I don’t want to lose him. I never bring my walls down to anyone until he came along. We’ve talked about future visions together. How we both would love if we could live together. I even told him that he was the one that I was dreaming of just sitting in the car holding his hand, not talking how some lovey-dovey couples are (no offense), we just talked about what are we going to have for dinner. To me, that is what I look for in a guy. I don’t understand what happened. Every time I try to understand, I’ll just point everything to myself, that I’m the one who caused all of these things to happened. I don’t know what to do, help me please? Thank you.

    1. Post

      Hi there. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I know these situations are SO painful. I have to say, though, that I’m not sure there’s a lot you can do to move the relationship forward at this stage. He’s being honest with you that he’s not feeling as strongly for you, and you’re far apart. It’s unlikely that a LDR will succeed long term under those conditions. I know it hurts, but I think you need to focus on the good things that came from knowing him and trust that you can carry those good things forward into the future.

  34. Hi Lisa my name is Anna and I need your honset opinion. So im in long distance relationship. I meet my partner in crime online and let me tell you sparks have developed. To be honset I wasnt accepting much nor did he. Now it marks 2 months and one week. So whenever he calls Im myself and we are open. He makes me laugh and I can see the love and the commitment is 100%. I guess I miss him too much when he hangs up the phone. So I gave him my phone number . He calls from his friend’s number through private. He says I cant call because a) its not his phone and his friend’s wife wouldnt appreciate me calling him b) he wouldnt be the one answering. He said be patient but to what extent. I think about him alot and I dont want to do with our feelings. He missed our anniversary and we didnt talk for 4 days than he called 2 days for 3 minutes when I was half asleep to be honset I dont remember what I was saying. I thought I was dreaming. He sounded anxious and he said that he was really worry. Those were awake call and by the time I wake up he ended the call. I felt my stomach Turing . I didn’t reassurance enough. I didnt shower my love and I cant for his call . Im the most patient person but when it comes to my bf it feels forever. He said that he is tangled with work. He cant call this week. All I said while half was dont worry about .and that one day you will make it up to me. He said that im sweet and kissed me. What should I do next time.

    1. Post

      Hey there,

      Well… it seems a bit strange to me that he can call you whenever he wants but he never wants you to call him. It also sounds like you went into this with low expectations and have been pleasantly surprised by how you’ve become attracted to him. My advice is to keep being open and honest and upfront NOW, before you get any more involved. Figure out what you want (to be able to call him? to have him call you regularly? etc) and then tell him. Don’t worry too much about reassuring him or not hurting his feelings. If he doesn’t call you for several days and then call you in the middle of the night saying he’s worried, and then hangs up on you… it sounds like he’s being controlling.

  35. Hi lisa, ive been with my boyfriend for close to 3 years. He recently moved 8 hours away and I’ve been miserable. We’ve always had ups and downs but months before he got this job offer, we had finally found common ground and were happy. He struggled for months to give work and then one day a friend offered him a great job opportunity 8hrs away. At first, I said sure, go check it out but then it became real and he decided to move up there. Before he left, he said he had wished I would stop him but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the reason for him to lose out on a good opportunity, I wanted him to be happy. But then he left and it hit me hard. I cried daily, I begged him to cone back, I tried to be patient and understanding but nothing I did made me happy. Or feel happy for him. We’re constantly fighting now, I feel lonely and like we don’t talk or share things like we used to and I know he tries but its not enough for me. I always feel angry and resentful towards him and I’m pushing him away. I try to be happy for him but I’m just so angry with him all the time that we can’t even have a decent conversation. I’m too the point where I just don’t know if I want to be in it anymore. I Don’t know what I want to do with it and I know I’m pushing him away. That’s the last thing I want to do but I’m just not happy with this anymore. I told him from the very beginning that I wasnt good at this, that this wasn’t what i wanted but he just asked for patience and I’m feeling like I can’t anymore. I love him but I dont think this is for me and it hurts because I love him and if I could just be that, patient, I’d enjoy the fruits of his efforts.

    1. Post

      I have to start with something that really jumped out at me in your comment–that your boyfriend said he wished you would have stopped him from leaving. I don’t know how seriously you or him took this, but it almost sounds like your boyfriend is putting all the responsibility for this situation on you. It wasn’t your responsibility to stop him. He decided to pursue this opportunity and you supported him in that. Him saying something like that is a subtle way of blaming you for the situation. I also hear you blaming yourself a lot about this situation. You say you feel angry and resentful all the time (and you seem to feel guilty for that) and you wish you could be more patient. I think it would be good if you could start by letting go of the blame and just focusing on how you’re feeling with judging yourself for feeling that way. The situation is now what it is, he can still decide to quit his job and move back, or you could decide to move, or you could decide to do long distance for a year and see where you’re at, or you could decide that you’ve had your time together and this is too hard and fraught and it’s time to break it off. All of those options are valid choices, and I think it will be easier for the two of you to figure out which one sounds best to you without so much blame in your dynamic. Does that make sense?

  36. Hi Jessie. Similar situation in which I slept with guys during my breakup but, my husband (then ex) didn’t. He’s hurt me many times and that was my way of getting back at him as well as satisfying myself. However, I realized I was hurting the both of us and was still thinking about my ex. He took me back and I did tell him the truth but he never judged or blamed me for doing that. Til this day, I wondered how I could be with someone so understanding. It’s a healing process and one day you’ll forgive yourself for your actions. The important thing is to focus on your relationship now and to make it work and worth it for the both of you. Tbh, I don’t like that your bf told his parents what you did because your relationship should be between you and him. Talk to him about privacy and how he needs to explain to them what you had gone through during his absence.

    1. Post
  37. Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together since freshman year or high school. We graduated together and recently just hit our four year anniversary. After high school graduation last year he moved away to Kansas for college from Florida. I cried for a year begging him not to go. I warned him it wasn’t a good idea because he wasn’t passionate about what he was going to college for. He was only going to major in that for the money. Things fell apart after about 4 months him being gone. He lacked communication with me and kind of put me to the side. I didn’t have many people. Never have never will. So I lost myself and I ended up cheating on him. I never would have thought in a million years I would have turned out being a cheater. I told him the day after it happened. On my birthday. After we were apart for about 4 more months after that I met someone and he realized I was right. It was a stupid idea to move up to Kansas. And he realized halfway through finishing college he didn’t want to do what he was doing. I actually had met someone. Someone who made me happy and gave me attention and made time for me. I knew I had to tell him. I told him and after about a week he admitted he wanted me back and he said he forgives me and he does want to work things out. He’s actually moving back down in about a week now for good. But I couldn’t just throw away my boyfriend of four years for some guy I just met. The guy I just met have strong feelings for but he has hurt me in lots of way because I chose to go back to my boyfriend of four years. I’ve been spending time with my boyfriend of four years. He’s currently visiting until he moves back permanently next week. But every time I’m with him I remember how much I hurt him and what I did to him. I feel like a bad person and I feel different and I feel like I don’t deserve to be with such a good guy. He didn’t sleep or see anyone else when he was at college. But I did. But I also went through a lot of things. My dad almost died and he wasn’t by my side. No one was. Not saying that losing my dad and almost dying in a car crash is an excuse to cheat but I feel like what I did comes from pain from him leaving and what has happened to me over the course of a year. He has forgiven me… but I don’t know how to forgive myself. His parents don’t like me either because he told his parents what I did. But his parents don’t know everything I went through either. I’ve never had a good realationship with them. I need some true honest advice and I need someone to talk to because no one seems to be able to tell me what I’m supposed to do or how I’m suppose to forgive myself so I can move on and make more memories with him.

    1. Post

      Hi Jessie, I wrote a book recently for readers called 21 Important Things To Do If You Think Your Partner Is Cheating (https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/essential-conversations-bundle/). During the course of writing that book I read ANOTHER book that I think would be even more helpful in your situation. That book is AFTER THE AFFAIR. You can see it on Amazon here. There’s a lot in there about rebuilding trust and forgiveness. My book is more about the immediate situation surrounding cheating and how to talk to your partner and figure out whether you want to move forward. This one goes into more detail about rebuilding trust when you KNOW you want to stay together: https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Updated-Second-Rebuilding-ebook/dp/B00APGI85I/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1497915023&sr=1-1&keywords=After+The+Affair

  38. Hi Lisa,

    I’ve been in a relationship for 10 months, long distance for the last 5 (with one visit in between.) I’m moving to the UK to be with him in a few months, but I’ve been sad and uncertain about things a lot lately. I’ve noticed him being less and less affectionate over time. When I brought this up a few months back he said he’d make an effort to show more affection, and things were better for awhile, but recently he’s just stopped trying. He spends a lot of time doing practical things like looking for a place for us to live together, which suggests he still cares about the relationship, but I’m worried that he’s already stopped doing the sweet things he did to woo me originally, and that moving to his city where he’s my main point of contact will only encourage him to take me for granted. I’m hoping this emotional distance I’m feeling will go away when we close the physical distance, but I’m getting increasingly concerned about the possibility that things won’t change when I move in with him and I’ll continue to feel undesired and unloved. I don’t want to bring this up because I know he’s been working really hard to find us a house, but he never says the sweet things he used to anymore and I find myself going to bed in tears more often than not. I miss feeling special and it’s gotten to the point where the best part of some of my weeks is when other guys show interest in me. I truly love this guy and I want things to work out but there are still several months of long distance left and I’m scared of stirring up trouble in the relationship and putting it in jeopardy. At the same time, I don’t know if I can last these months feeling so heartbroken all the time. What do I do?

    1. Post

      Hi Alicia, That sounds really difficult. And it’s hard to tell from what you say (as I know it’s hard for YOU to tell) whether your boyfriend’s feeling really are changing and he’s taking you more for granted or whether he’s swung into “task” mode now that he knows your coming and he’s concentrating more on DOING things to make it happen–finding a house, etc. Sometimes when guys, particularly, swing into task mode they tend to swing out of affection and connection mode. Anyway, I would have a read of this article. https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/closing-the-gap-long-distance-relationship/. I would also think about having a talk with him about this. Just tell him how you’re feeling… sad, uncertain, a bit anxious about moving, and sad that you don’t seem to hear the same words of love and affection from him that you used to. Tell him that this is particularly hard because it’s started to make you wonder whether moving is the right thing. Then let him know how he can help you–by saying the “I love you’s” and putting more energy on connecting in the lead up to your move. Hopefully that sort of conversation can nudge the two of you back onto firmer ground, but do keep an eye on how you’re feeling. It’s normal to be stressed before a big move like this, and second guessing it. Sometimes you just have to push through those feelings, and sometimes you need to pay attention to them. All the best as you try to untangle this on your end.

  39. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for over a year now and we talk on the phone every morning, throughout the day and every night. We have only seen each other a total of 10 days. We r about 10 hours away
    How long is the talking stage b4 we take it 2 the next level?

    1. Post
  40. Hi am ana. I met my boyfriend through an online dating site. We really hit it off and the following weeks were the best. We then had the sex talk. I really enjoyed it but I said something that really hurt him. Things immediately changed. He was no longer enthusiastic about our talks. I am really lost because I do care about him. May even love him and before the sex talk I think he felt way. Now he doesn’t want to talk about sex anymore. Please help.

    1. Post

      Hi Ana, that sounds really painful. Sorry. I hope you managed to talk through it with him. But if not, please do remember that you’re better off without him if he couldn’t get past the first speed-bump you guys hit. All the best.

  41. Hey Lisa, I had been with my ex girlfriend in long distance for about a year or so prior to that she was with me here in Canada but then she had to move back to Mexico and at that time I decided to go with her for a bit. Fast forward after I left Mexico feelings were falling apart, we still love each other but the pain of not being able to see her, touch her, and hug her for so long causes me so much pain that I d rather not be with her because of it, do you think this is the right choice?

    1. Post

      I don’t think there is a single right or wrong choice, but I think this is a really valid choice in LDRs. Sometimes the pain just IS too much and it’s easier and cleaner to walk away. I hope you’re going well.

  42. Hi Lisa,
    I met my boyfriend about 11 years ago while working abroad. I’m Canadian and he is American. We got together almost 6 years ago. This is without a doubt the best relationship I have ever been in. We never fight. We talk about things I can’t talk to anyone else about. I can totally be me and he never judges or makes me feel small. I have no doubt that he loves and cares about me, nor do I have any doubt that he is faithful to me. He is a single parent that works a time demanding job (usually overnight/ weekends/ holidays). We have seen each other exactly 2 times since we got together. I’ve brought up marriage and kids numerous times right from the start so he knows my stance on that. He said he wants to marry me “someday”. I can wait…reluctantly. I’m close to 40 and I’m worried it will be too late for me to have kids though. I feel like he’s gotten too comfortable with the way things are. I am willing to relocate to where he is but whenever I bring up our future together, I get stonewalled. If I get tired of waiting for a response and greet him good morning…etc, he will respond but completely disregards the previous conversation. This morning I worked up the courage and basically told him to communicate or part ways (not in those words of course). I can see he got the message but he hasn’t answered. I’m so frustrated and upset and desperately need unbiased advice. Please help.
    Thank you.

    1. Post

      Oh, I’m so sorry. It sounds like he doesn’t know HOW to do conflict. When you said you never fight, and then later you said that he just checks out and stonewalls you when you bring up something he doesn’t want to answer or deal with… stonewalling IS a way of fighting and trying to control. It’s just not a very MATURE way. Anyway, really sorry. I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by pressing the issue. Just sitting around waiting will not get you the answer you really need. You have wants and needs and timelines apart from him, and I think it’s totally fair enough for you to say you’re at a point where you need a clear answer one way or another. I hope you got the answer you wanted and that you’re going well, either way. I wish you all the best.

  43. Hello Lisa, I’ve been in a relationship for 3 months with a man I met online, we communicate everyday and we love eachother. I lost my job 3 months into our relationship and I had financial problem which he’s aware of though he tried helping me to solve it. Recently I texted him to inform him about some issues am battling with cause I see him as someone I can confide in but unfortunately he didn’t respond. I love him very much and am not good at keeping things to myself that’s why I open up to him everytime and I think he’s about to break up with me or maybe it’s just my head telling me that. Pls I need your advice on what to do to make everything go back to normal between us.

    1. Post

      Hi Jossie, it’s been ages since I’ve had time to answer comments, so this is coming weeks later. You’ve either resolved this now, or you haven’t. If you’re still together I’d advise you to look at the article on pursuit retreat on our blog, and also the one on casual intimacy.

  44. Hello. Any possible idea on how to comfort a boyfriend in long distance relationship? No, we haven’t met yet. It might take 5 more years for me to be able to visit him. We lived miles away, across the South China Sea. We’ve been with each other for 3 months more now. And I can say he’s having a hard time hanging on. He’s having it rough for his life and he told me that all I could do is “advice” and not comfort. Financial- is an uptight matter. Any ideas please?

    1. Post

      Asking questions and listening really well is one of the best comforts you can give. Doing small things or sending small messages or tokens is another way to make someone feel loved and help them know you’re thinking of them. But I would start by asking him lots of questions and listening well, and if it seems like he doesn’t want to talk, try telling him some things about you and your day to help him feel more connected to you.

  45. Hello,

    I have been in a long distance relationship for 7 months as my OH is in the forces, having already been in a relationship a couple of years ago for a short 3 months which didn’t work because of stonewalling on my partners behalf.

    For the first 4 month of our relationship (this time)he was still in the UK and therefore I got to see him at least once a month and we could plan things and it was working great .

    In January he was posted overseas ,which is where he was the first time around. The first few weeks were fine but then after about 5 weeks I began feeling numb and finding it hard and emotional to deal with . He was coming home after 7 weeks so I tried to focus on him coming home to visit and looking forward to it and imagining it to give me something to look forward too.

    He has since been home and been back overseas for 1 week now and although it was nice to see him we both found it really hard to adapt to being around each other again and it didn’t seem to have the same feel as it had previously. Since he has gone away I had one day ( the day he left)of being really overwhelmed and emotional and began to overthink things . Since then I feel as though I am numb inside I don’t feel like I feel anything and it is worrying me I am starting to doubt myself and my feelings and wonder whether I am stonewalling or have just lost all feeling.

    I have tried to speak to my OH and explain but he just says he loves me and doesn’t know what to say. I feel like I ant even take on board that he loves me anymore .

    I am worried that I am stonewalling and wondering how I can help myself as I don’t want to it to end like previously but feel as though if I keep stonewalling it will end. I have debated actually ending things to see how it affects me so I can see if I f have feelings but I also know deep down that’s not a good idea and not what I really want .

    I would be grateful for any advice.


    1. Post

      I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to reply. I was traveling with family and children all of April. We’ve only been home a couple of weeks.

      It sounds like you’re in a very tough situation. Feeling numb inside and actually stonewalling someone are two different (although sometimes overlapping) things. We can end up feeling numb because it’s just so hard and we’re shutting down our emotions and withdrawing to try to protect ourselves. Or we can end up feeling numb because our feeling ARE changing and we don’t care like we used to and it’s time to think about ending the relationship. It can be very difficult to tell the difference.

      Anyway, I suspect you’re in a different place by now one way or another. I hope you’re doing well.

  46. Thanks for the reply. They are both great articles with good view points. I can’t wait to close the distance but luckily for me I have 2 beautiful children who keep my life full and happy. Having things to focus on outside of your relationship is possibly the only thing that stops the insanity. Have a great day xx

    1. Post
  47. Hey Lisa,
    Thank you I found your article really well written and informative. LDR are hard work but can be incredibly wonderful. The worst downside for my partner and I is not being able to physically be there for each other when things get tough. I know right now my partner is on the other side of the country and can’t sleep because he is stressed and angry. There is nothing i can do about it and it breaks my heart. All he needs is a big kiss and a cuddle and i cant give it to him. That right there kills me and him every single day. LDR are all about closing the distance. Xx that’s all any of us truly want.

    1. Post
  48. Hi Lisa,
    I (23) have been in a long distance relationship for a year and 10 months now. My boyfriend (24) is nine hours away by car and an hour and a half by plane. He moves back to the city I am living in 53 days! I saw him 2 weeks ago but since he is away again he has been slow to reply to my texts. I asked him this morning to call me when he can so we can catch up since he was getting ready for class. It’s already evening and it has been so quiet, I’m worried he may be tired of talking to me or something. I know it is his last semester at University and he has to look for a job before he graduates. But I feel like time a little bit of time out for your girlfriend (me) isn’t a lot of work and he easily could. I’m letting him talk to me first since the past week I have been initiating.

    1. Post

      HI Sarah. It’s so hard to know whether you’re over-reacting or whether your instincts are warning you that something is not quite right. Sometimes it’s a bit of both. We’ve just published two article son the blog in the last couple of weeks about closing the gap, so make sure you take a look at those. And I would give him a couple of days and let him call you this time, but also when he does maybe consider a low-key and casual query around, “hey, is there something we need to talk about because I feel like I’ve been reaching out lately and you’ve been a bit more quiet than normal. Are we OK?” and see what comes up. Given he’s coming back soon I wouldn’t push it too hard, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, I don’t think. All the best, Lisa

  49. I am struggling so much with my long distance relationship. Its only been three weeks, but I feel so distant from him. We are both very busy and barely ever get to talk to each other, and never on the phone/skype. He visited for two days a week ago and even with him I felt distant. I’m not sure I can do this anymore, but I don’t want to leave him either. Even if I did want to break up, I won’t see him in person now for another month, and even then I probably couldn’t do it because I care so much about him and he is such an amazing person. But I feel so alone and irritable. This isn’t a temporary thing, I am at university for three years, and he is seventeen hours away by car. We will only see each other in person for a few weeks every couple of months. How can I make this work? Is it worth it? I am in so much pain right now, but I know if I left, it would destroy him. I love him too much to let that happen, but I can’t see a future for us right now

    1. Post
  50. Hi Lisa,
    My name is Jessica and I am in a long distance relationship first time as of going on 5 months now. I was definitely not looking for this or a relationship but he kind of came unexpectedly. I’m living in the US and he is in Canada. Now in the beginning it was great we both wanted the same things something serious, long term, someone to spend our lives with and start a family with but lately I noticed that as I read here he has been doing a lot of stone walling. On our last visit we talked on how we would make our distance not be so long distance anymore and I plan to visit him next month. He expressed to me how hard it was the distance on our last visit but he would be patient since we will be working on closing that distance gap.

    I have a guy friend who tells me to be patient with him since he has experience in long distance. But when I text or call 3-4days and get nothing it hurts. I have a Visit next month and Im not sure where we are headed now. I’ve cried a lot and prayed but I know it may be a possibility on my next visit that things may end how I don’t want them to. I love him but I realized I can’t be the only one making this work. I text good morning, wish him a great day…and all I hear are crickets and that hurts, I tell myself be patient and I can’t give up that easy on him. When were together it’s like we were never apart but when we are apart it’s almost like we’re strangers now. Soo I’m not sure when I’ll talk to him again but on my next visit… I’m just going to stay positive. Any words of advice?

    1. Post

      Sounds like you’re doing the right thing by going up there for a visit. And that you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I don’t know enough to offer advice, per se, but you might want to take a look at this article that talks about pursuit-retreat, it sounds like there’s a bit of that going on for you guys. https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/distant-relationships-pursuit-retreat/. There might be some ideas in that that help. Hope the visit goes well and you can have some good talks not just about whether you want to keep doing this, but how you’re communicating and ways you could both adjust that moving forward. All the best.

  51. Hello, I’m Alen and I need an advice. I was in relationship with my gf for almost 2 years (8 months of ldr). We broke up yesterday. Actually, I had to leave her because she made a sort of pressure on me. She told me that she has urge to flirt with other boys who work with her. She apparently still loves me and needs me but flirting is something she currently likes. I am in mid 20s and she is 20. She moved to another country to work and study. We planned our future together. We survived 8 months of ldr and I am proud of it. We managed to see 22 days in those 8 months. In recent period, she behaves very unusual, she is emotional unstable. She does not know what she wants. She also thinks she is maybe too young, she said she want to experience new sexual things. I am her first boyfriend. She told me yesterday that she needs some time to think about everything, but because I was tired of her games, I told her that I break up. I don’t know do I trust her anymore. I only know I love her so much, and I want that we be happy again. Should I call her after some time or I must apply no contact at all rule? Thank you very much.

  52. Hi Lisa,

    Thank you for the read, this definitely helps. I am currently in a LDR and it has been going very well for the most part. We are seeing each other in two weeks for a mini holiday. There has been a challenge here and there, my mum has been ill and I haven’t had as much time to talk on the phone at night, or after I am done work as I have been with her quite often. This has been hard on him, understandably so and he feels bad for being frustrated by it in the first place but when I say I will make more effort he gets upset saying it shouldn’t have to either, that he is just trying to be as transparent as possible with how he is feeling. When he talks about being frustrated at times when I can’t give him as much phone time I get scared thinking that he is pulling away or giving up and then it just leaves a sort of sadness around us for a day or so until we talk it out on the phone and then we are good for a few weeks again. Last night I told him I would make more effort in having more phone calls and not just texting though we do have date nights, and nights we fall asleep on the phone etc. I guess I am just worried to lose him but at the same time it is tough right now for me to dedicate that kind of time so it is hard and I feel a bit between a rock and a hard place. Then at times I feel like I am willing to fight for this, and push and when he gets frustrated I fear that he isn’t. But I could just be acting on emotion with that versus thinking about it logically. Any advice or suggestions would be great, thank you.

    1. Post

      Hey Sara, it DOES sound like you’re in a season of being caught between a rock and a hard place for sure. My main thought at this point is to hang in there until you see each other in two weeks. And at some point during that mini holiday to talk about this face to face. Explain to him what you’ve written down here (it sounds like you guys are good communicators so that should be doable) and ask him how he’s feeling (and the ups and downs). Tell him you’re committed to making it work, and ask him what would help him to feel more connected right now. Then really make an effort to meet those minimum standards if you think you can (e.g., a longer phone call mid week and a tele date on the weekend). If you think of it, come back and let us know how it’s going.

  53. Hi i’m Agnes. I’m in Long Distance Relationship with my boyfriend. I live in indonesia and he live in America. I met him at online dating website, we just start dating and it’s been two months. But lately he always avoiding me when i asked him to have me a phone call and barely text me back. He told me that his flame for this relationship is not as same as the first time, i freaked out and hurt. I do admit that i’m so annoying sometimes, i freaked out when he is not reply my text within 5 minutes but he always said it’s okay baby it’s normal. But i think he is getting sick of that thing now. We’ve been planing on a trip for our first meeting on next month but since this is happening we never talk about it anymore, but i really want to know is he still coming or not because i love him so much and i don’t want to lose him. He once told me he want to marry me and i want it too, i want to be like you and your husband.
    I really need your advice, please tell me what to do.

    1. Post

      Hi Agnes, I would ask him straight out (calmly, and without freaking out) if he is still interested in meeting up. I’ll be honest, it sounds to me like you’ve experienced one of those super-quick super-intense connections that is fizzling out (on his end). It’s reasonable for you to ask if he’s still planning on coming, and to talk with him about how many times a week you’d LIKE to talk to him, but I would prepare yourself for his answer being “no” because I think it sounds like he’s losing interest. All the best.

  54. My ldr bf and I live in different countries about 3000 miles apart. It has been 3 years now and it has been good and we came to know each other well. He came over to see me and I went over to see him. We have met few times in this 3 years and we were very happy. Suddenly last July, his ex wife passed away due to cancer and his teenage daughter who just turned 18 started living with him. The whole situation changed from being available to me 24/7 to being unavailable at all. I can understand that he as the father should take care of his daughter who will be sitting for an important exam in March 2017. But I do feel jealous that he keeps prioritising his daughter than me. I have spoken to him about it and he said that he is trying but it is hard because he has not been with his daughter for past 6 years and now she is his responsibility. The situation is very hard for him as he is coping with the routine etc. I am a little concern because my last visit to his place was last December and his daughter who was okay with me visiting with my son suddenly went off to her aunt’s place because she was not happy to see us there. This happened within minutes of our arrival there. It put me and my son in a tough spot but I didn’t say anything as it is his daughter and I didn’t want to get involved. Now that I am back home I find that our relationship is being affected due to him focussing more on his daughter and no time for me. All these changes has made me very sad and recently we had a tiff and he asked me to leave him alone. I was stunned because what I said was I am willing to compromise and not disturb him with texts and will chat with him once he texts me to say he is free. I had to call him and explain to him that he misconstrued what I texted him and he apologised. But I am deeply hurt and have not texted him these past 2 days and not replied his messages as well. We love each other but this temporary situation is killing us both. I don’t know what to do anymore…

    1. Post

      Hi Vas, sorry it’s been a while since you left this comment, so I’m guessing that you’re resolved the argument you were writing about by now. Has the situation improved? Three years is a long time and a lot of history you have together, so I would encourage you to keep trying to communicate about this and work out how you can connect in ways that feel feasible and sustaining for both of you. Do let us know how you’re going. All the best, Lisa

  55. Lisa,

    I need your advice on something that has been on my heart lately. So I am in a long distance relationship with the love of my life for about 10 months now. We met in college, and I truly do love him. He lives across the country from me, and we went a span of 4 months of not seeing each other. Unfortunately, I had a slip up on my side of the relationship, where I hooked up (no penetration and was safe) with someone I had met at a friend’s party. The next day, I went about my daily life without feeling much guilt, until I saw the same guy I hooked up with at another party a month later (in this month, my boyfriend had come to see me and it was an amazing time… still not guilt). This same guy tried to hook up with me again at the party, and I didn’t allow it to happen this time. But I started to feel incredulously guilty the next couple of days, so much that I was basically having panic attacks (it’s weird that it started then, instead of earlier). It is less so now (about three weeks after I saw this guy for the second time), but I am sometimes so ashamed for what I did. I plan on seeing my boyfriend next weekend in his city, but I feel like I have to tell him. From what I know, this is literally the only cheating that has occurred in our relationship, and I am not sure if telling him will help any situation. I feel absolutely terrrrrible for what happened, and I plan on being much more aware about situations like these (drinking, partying with strangers, etc). What do you think I should do? I really feel changed by what I am feeling, and I am 100% sure this situation will never again happen. Any thoughts are appreciated.

    1. Post

      Hi there, You’ve probably seen him by now and made the decision to tell him or not tell him, so this reply may come too late. You seem very committed to making sure nothing like this ever happens again, but you also seem to be feeling really guilty. There is a personal price to pay for keeping a secret like this–if you stay together in the long run you will always feel some guilt and burden when you think of this. There is also a personal and relational price to pay for telling him–he will be very hurt, it will erode his trust in you, and it can damage your relationship in ways that are long lasting and difficult to heal–although it can also open up a new level of communication and closeness if you work through it well. You need to weigh up which of those two prices you want to pay. And if you think of it, do come back and let me know what you decided. All the best.

  56. Hey,
    I am Australia and my boyfriend of 2 years lives in the states. I have visited 3 times over the past 3 years and obviously am expecting him to visit me. We had always planned for it to be this May and would mark 6 months since I left him back in the US. We have had some communication problems recently. When it comes to the weekends, he’s phone is hardly touched because he is enjoying time with his friends. Which I love that he is but I feel like he never thinks about me. I get upset and feel like I don’t exist because I’m lucky if I get any messages at all while he is out with his friends. I also feel like he can go days without talking to me and it’s no big deal. I’m the one who starts conversations, suggests or asks to FaceTime. Because of these arguments he tells me he is put off buying his ticket to Aus and says he will buy it when we stop fighting. How am I suppose to confront him about the ticket without pushing the boundaries and having “that conversation” again? I know I’m just going to hear, “I’ll buy them when we stop fighting” but it’s 3 months away till he’s due here!?

    1. Post

      Ugh, Phoebe, that is SUCH a hard one. One possibility for you to consider is to write him an email–the sort of email you draft, then let sit for a day, then come back to re-read and make sure it says exactly what you want it to say in the least inflammatory way possible. In that email, one of the things you could do is describe this dynamic similarly to how you’ve described it to me… that you feel like you’re often the one initiating contact at the moment, and then when you DO speak you often end up arguing about ____ (fill in the blank). You understand his reluctance to discuss buying tickets when you feel like you’re arguing a lot, but you feel like he’s using it as a “control chip” so to speak. Tell him what you WANT in your relationship, that you want to feel you can discuss anything with him freely and maturely without feeling like he’s threatening not to come and visit if you keep bringing up issues with him that you’d like to be working on together as a team. Try to phrase things positively (talk about what you WANT) for the two of you and position yourself as being on the same team. Tell him you’d like to discuss his hesitations about buying the ticket and hear more about his concerns so that you can figure out a good way forward together?? All the best with this tricky situation!

  57. Hello, my LDR has come to a hault. He said he needs space and time to figure things out. He doesn’t see how our relationship can work as I live in Canada and he lives in the USA. The only ways I can move down there are for a fiancé visa or a work sponsorship.

    He stated that maybe after tax season he’d more fiancially stable and we could restart the relationship?

    It sounds like to me he has made decision and just doesn’t want to deal with ending it with me.

    1. Post

      Hi TCM… To be honest it sounds that way to me, too. And it’s SO frustrating to be on your end of one of these situations when you can’t figure out what’s going on. If I were you I would assume the relationship is over and move on. If he decides to contact you again later, you can decide then how you feel. But don’t wait around for him. Embrace change. Embrace life. And see what happens down the track. All the best.

  58. Hey lisa I feel like my girlfriend is just telling me what I want to hear. Some of it is my fault, Ive admitted it to her and told her I was sorry for pushing my insecurities on her and put real effort into changing myself. My life is very complicated but Ive always been really honest with her about everything and never kept secrets from her. It just feels like she tells me what she thinks I want to hear when I ask questions and try to get to know her and not what she really feels. She also has many male friends, which bothered me at first because I would see pictures of them together and they would have there arm around them or be very close to them. I explained how it made me feel uncomfortable. Lately I have become very suspicious though that she may have cheated on me emotionally or physically and has lied to me about it. I’ve seen msgs of her male friends sending her shirtless pics but she just talks about how they need to gain weight. Ive also seen how certain friends of hers who are male she would talk to them about her problems in the past but not me. We have very open communication but once again it always feels like shes just telling me what I want to hear and sometimes has little slips and says things that make me very wary. Also she acts very sexually innocent and tells me she hasnt really had much of a sex life but on facebook ive seen guys in the past tell her to give them fellatio and she just doesnt respond or possibly has deleted her responses. Ive also heard from other people that she may have had more sexual experience than she has told me, not sex for say but fellatio with other men. The people who told me though may be unreliable so I dont know what to think on the subject. Our relationship is long distance so i cant be there to see and hear the truth for myself. Its also complicated for me because I have high functioning autism so sometimes its really hard for me to decrypt what she saying or feeling. Also sometimes I feel like when she talks about other people or things her exes did that shes really hinting towards me about something. This bothers me because Im so straight forward with her and I dont feel like im getting it in return. I feel like if I ask her a srs question she answers with what she thinks I wanna hear once again. I truly have fallen in love with this girl and Im trying really hard to fix my insecurties and problems and make myself a better person, not just for her but for me. Also Ive noticed she scared to tell me things because she doesnt want to hurt my feelings, even though many times ive told her it wont if she just tells me something straight out. Add on to that shes very coy with me sexually. She hardly ever says anything sexual to me or even tells me I look nice unless I directly ask her if she finds me attractive. And sometimes when I try and be sexual with her she changes the subject….even though ive seen her talk sexually to her exes in the past. Its all very complicated and lately I feel like maybe it would be best if I left her so that she could not have to deal with my problems and because I feel like Im the only one trying. I love her so much I would suffer to help her be able to experience life not tied down to me. Oh..and I should have mentioned the age gap of 15 years. Im 36 and shes 22. I was career military until a few years ago and all this sort of thing is new to me. Any help you could give would be appreciated and sorry if im a little rambley and off course. Its 3 am and Ive been up all night researching how to make this work and how to better myself. thanks

    1. Post

      Hi Tim, It sounds like you’ve put a lot of time and effort into understanding yourself, and understanding relationships and communication. I’m sure it’s hard to figure out what she means with some of her behavior, and the fact that she is much younger than you and you’re in a long distance relationship certainly doesn’t help. I’ve never met either of you, so I really have no idea what is going on for you. If I were to guess, however, I would say a couple of things….

      I would guess that she is not very good at being upfront with what she really thinks or feels about things. This is probably partly the fact that, at 22, she is still pretty young, and may not even know what’s going on in her head half the time. And if she is a natural conflict avoider she probably IS very scared of hurting your feelings. If she can’t get better at saying things straight out to you, it’s going to make your LDR even more difficult than it already is.

      The second things I would ask is whether you’ve met in person yet? If not, I’d advise trying to set that meeting up. Or plan your next visit. If she’s not keen on meeting up that means she’s really ambivalent about the relationship. And if she’s that ambivalent about the relationship you should let her go (NOT for her sake, for yours).

      All the best, and keep up the efforts. Someone’s going to be a lucky woman to have you for her own one day, even if this is not the right one. I’m sure of it.

  59. Hello I need advice on how to help my LDR grow stronger. Me and my boyfriend are about to reach our one year but unfortunately he had a tragic event where his dad passed away and it changed the loving man I once knew . Now that he’s changed he doesn’t perform the routines as he once did and I feel depressed because I feel like our love is fading and I’m not important anymore. I’m scared he will hurt me again and I feel like our future is doom. Can you help me ? Thanks

    1. Post

      Hi Rochelle, I would start by asking lots of caring questions about what he’s feeling and how things are going. Ask him to tell you stories about his dad. After you’ve done lots of asking and listening (if he’ll talk to you–if he doesn’t want to talk to you or answer your questions that really signifies he’s withdrawing from you and the relationship) then try gently telling him that you don’t feel as connected, that he feels distant and that you are finding it hard to know how to support him during this time and connect well with him. See what he says and take if from there.

  60. Hi, I’ve read your article and found it quite interesting. I am also in a long distance relationship, and I feel that one of the most difficult problems that I face with my girlfriend is not mentioned in your list; that is – the simple pain of not being there for her in times when she needs me most. There are times when my girlfriend has become ill, felt threatened by someone, or just had a bad day, and I could not be there for her to comfort, console or protect her. And she would blame me for it, even though she knows that it is not my fault. I would always feel terrible. And I can only apologize to her, because I do feel a huge sense of guilt of not being able to just be there for her. The conservation then spirals into more anger, pain and guilt. And she would tell me that I would not be able to make up for all the times I have not been there for her, even when we eventually get back together physically, because the pain has been too much and the damage has already been done.

    Do you have any suggestions on how can we resolve this problem?

    1. Post

      Hi Benjamin. Good point!! That IS a huge problem, and not one that’s easy to fix. There is no short term fix. The best you can do is what you’re already doing–acknowledging the longing to be there and the feeling bad that you’re not able to support her in person. You can listen, ask questions, and send lots of empathy down the long distance line. After that, I’m afraid, the rest is up to her. It’s HER job to acknowledge that it sucks that you’re not together, but she has to find a way to manager her resentment about the situation. Unless the bigger picture is that you’ve been promising to move to her town for the last three years and keep putting it off (or something like that) she has to accept the limitations of an LDR until you can be together and find some way to manage them. If she can’t do that appropriately then that becomes (as you pointed out) really toxic to the relationship. Have you tried talking to her about this dynamic (perhaps writing her a letter about it first so that she can have some time to think about it before you talk so she can get past some of the initial reactive defensiveness??) and seeing what she says about it and whether she has any tips on what could help?

  61. Hi Lisa, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year and 4 months now,, met him online,when I saw him.. I was impressed. He introduced me to his family,i felt accepted,the feeling was real. so one fateful day, he told me he traveling to further his studies. At least the first month was not so bad, I was writing my Final exams in uni.. I tried reaching him as possible as I could with the whole stress and being busy.. He is not the calling type but he calls at least when we were together… The 2nd month he got a job. So he combines schooling ND working..Our communication dropped, he doesn’t pick my calls,,we talk like few times in a month. Like 3times in a month.. And what he keeps saying that he is busy bla bla bla.. I am tired of the whole thing.. I keep breaking up with him and don’t know how I will always go back loving up.. I want to move on Lisa, I just feel he has taken me for granted and doesn’t respect me anymore.. I feel so ashamed of myself right now.. And I don’t know if he stills love me cause I still do.. And I still want to move on like without him.. I want to get my life back

    1. Post

      Hi Sussan. I have so many questions about this situation–like does the distance have an end date. If he’s studying, presumably he’ll be coming home at some point? Or, at least there is expectation of that? It sounds like you need to have an open talk about how your communication patterns have changed and how you both feel about that, and what would help you feel connected and supported moving forward if you stay together.

  62. I am worried. My boyfriend of 3 months had become possessive of me(tat’s what i amfeeling though) and its just 3 months. We already seen each other,spent time together for weeks. Sometimes i was just wondering if we’re going to be serious or he’s reallu the man for me. I already talked this ome ouy to him but he’s always saying that he’s noy like that. I dunno. Think we need to know each other more. Im really worried. I love him.

    1. Post

      Hi BusyBee. I hope things are feeling better, but if you’re still feeling a bit smothered, then pay attention to that feeling and keep trying to figure out where it’s coming from and what it signifies.

  63. Hi …im nc from malaysia… 39yrs ….i am married have 3kids .MY RELITIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND this few years always cloudy… but i been involved in LDR almost 6mths … we never been meet but we have a plan to visit… but he is too far myjudd is from DALLAS USA he is single…he is 39 he know iam married. WE BEING TALKING ALMOST EVERY DAY EVERY HOURS ….WE CAN FEEL THE CONNECTION… i love my kids but me and Judd love each other so much. I can feel that i love him so much..i try to let him go one time but he is so sad and mad with me… i tOLD him to find someone ..but he reply he dont want too….he LOVE ME SO MUCH….ME TOO.. BUT THE PROBLEM IS ME…iam married to someone..what must i do….can u help me

    1. Post

      Hi NC. It’s clear you have very strong feelings for this man, and he for you. But it’s also clear that there are significant barriers to this online relationship working out. It’s not impossible, but let’s be realistic. The odds that you could leave your husband (with your three kids? without them?) and start a stable relationship with this guy you’ve met online (would you move to the US? Would he move to you?) are very, very slim. Given the challenges involved my honest opinion is that you’re probably wasting your time and energy pursuing this further. I know it’s going to be incredibly painful and emotions are very invested on both sides, but my honest advice is to stop this online relationship with this guy in the US. Cut contact now. Give your head a couple of months to clear, and then pay some attention to whether and how you can repair your marriage or whether you want your marriage to end. Sorry. I know that sounds hard, but it’s a hard situation that you’re in and the likelihood of a happily ever after with this guy in the US is very, very small.

  64. Hi Lisa,
    Have been in a relationship for 3 years, but for the last one year have been away from my girlfriend. It’s been all well nt until of late when we had a misconception in our communications (watsapp texts) and now she thinks have not been happy about us,she nolonger trusts me and for sure I can’t understand my position now. Please Lisa can u advice me on how to go about this situation cause for sure I still need her. How can I reboot our relationship even though we are a couple of miles apart…

    1. Post

      Hi there… I hope you’ve sorted it out by now. But, if not, try asking her lots of questions about what she’s feeling and why. Really listen. Don’t try to answer back and defend yourself in the begining. For the first talk or two, just focus on trying to understand what she’s feeling and letting her know you’re really trying to understand. After you’ve spend a good long time listening, then ask if you can share YOUR thoughts and feelings. Chances are, if she feels really listened too, first, then she’ll be more willing to take what you say on board.

  65. Hi, Am Anna I am in a lDR with a man in his late 30s while am in my late 20s, we met when he was back home and dated for a year, our relationship was beautiful until he broke the news that he would like to further his studies and he has been out of the country for two years now. Ihave been there for him through thick and Thin, I noticed he stonewall me each time we have arguments, I ll call and send chats, he reads and no response for weeks. And I love him dearly and I know he loves me too. Am very emotional. I v cried and Shed tears nothing changes, eachti me he calls, he talks so much and won’t allow me talk. Am beginning to think of moving on. He has got good plans, but I can’t deal when a man keeps malice and stone wall me for weeks and come back to profess love after I v called. Am a very attractive lady, he has not introduced me to his family yet. So am thinking of moving on. Thanks

  66. We have been together for 7 years and engaged for 3 years recently a year ago she went to usa for higher studies and i was gutted but everything went well the first year and i start behaving weirdly contacting her always calling her always . And now she says she havent got same feeling for me like she used to have . And she said its better to move on. Im devastated and feels like nothing left for me . I realised what went wrong and told her i will change myself . But she said its bit late but still we havent spilt up but i know where thing going . I wanther badly and i k ow she is the girl for me . I have never cheated on her neither she did . I want to make it for her this relationship is very precious to me
    What to do .

    1. Post

      Oh, Kapil. I’m sorry that sounds so painful. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by stopping calling her all the time and creating more space. Holding onto someone too tightly in a LDR rarely makes them want to be with you. So I would think about giving her even MORE space. I know it will hurt, but if she’s talking about moving on, you could try telling her that if she feels that way you want to respect that, but you’d like to stay in touch as friends. Then, send her an email every two or three weeks. Just a chatty, newsy, email. Ask her how she is, etc. Tell her what you’re up to. No pressure. No begging her to come back. Just details about home and asking her questions about what she’s doing and learning. Hopefully, over time, she’ll realize that you’re always there for you in ways that people she’s met more recently can’t be. There’s no guarantee, but perhaps it’s worth trying.

  67. The above mentioned problems are very common in a long distance relationship, but it is not enough to merely know about them, as every problem needs solution, these problems are also required to have some solid solutions, https://medium.com/@Petrovaelena/ating-coach-tips-to-handle-conflicts-in-ldr-e6b79b672db2#.hmzzsbvg9, that can make an LDR smooth. And suspecting that your partner is cheating will again give rise to negativity in your relationship, so first it is important to try to solve the problems with a positive approach.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *