11 Serious LDR Problems

11 Serious Long Distance Relationship Problems (And How To Fix Them)

Lisa McKay Advice, Communication & Conflict 75 Comments

Everyone knows that long distance relationships are hard work, but what does that mean, exactly? What are the most serious long distance relationship problems out there? Can they be fixed, or are most long distance relationships ultimately doomed?

Don’t despair. Long distance relationships can totally work. They can even prove to be good for you, for a season. I know this first-hand—I met my husband via email when he was living 7000 miles away.

However, long distance relationships are tricky to navigate well. And there are some particular long distance relationship problems that don’t plague same-city relationships to quite the same extent.

So what are the typical long distance relationship problems, and how should you deal with them?

Long distance relationship problems #1: Getting stuck in a rut

Have you ever struggled to find things to talk about with your long distance love? Have you every felt heartsick with longing to be with your partner, but feel like you just have the same tired old conversations over and over again when you get on the phone?

This is one of the most common long distance relationship problems. These sorts of “dry periods” are normal in long distance relationships, but that doesn’t make them any less depressing and frustrating.

What’s the fix? Put your head together and plan some long distance dates. Check out this article for some fun ideas. And try buying a book of discussion questions for couples. This one only costs $5.99 and will spark hours of fun and fascinating talk time.

2. Stalling in life

Do you find yourself moping around all the time–thinking about how much you’re missing your partner–while you wait until your next skype call or visit? Do you feel as if the rest of your life is on hold until you can be together? Does it seem like too much effort to go out with friends or do something by yourself?

When you’re in a long distance relationship, it’s alarmingly easy to allow important things in life—family, friendships, hobbies, exercise—to stall. But this will only make you more depressed in the short term, and hurt you in the long run.

What’s the fix? Do not spend every spare minute talking to your partner (or daydreaming about said partner). Build a life where you are—a life full of friends and fun. Do things that make you fitter, smarter, and happier. Do things that interest you. Do these things alone, if need be. Remember, investing in yourself is another way of investing in your most important relationship. Start now.

3. Neglecting other important relationships

Are you spending all your spare time on your phone or computer? If you focus all your free time and energy on your long distance love, your relationships with those close to you will suffer. In a nutshell: this is bad news.

You will be happier and healthier in life if you have a strong network of friends beyond your partner. To do that, you need to spend time connecting with them.

What’s the fix? Check in with yourself on this one. When’s the last time you went out to dinner with friends? Had people over? Had a quality catch-up with someone other than your long distance partner? Who do you owe a phone call or email to? Make it a priority to properly connect with at least three people a week other than your partner.

4. Growing apart

When your love moves far away and some aspects of your relationship pause or slow down, the rest of life continues. You don’t stop learning and growing and changing just because the person you love isn’t there every day. Neither do they. You are both accumulating experiences. Some of these experiences will change you.

When you’re in a long distance relationship it can be harder to identify ways in which your partner is changing and track with them through that process. The reverse is also true.

No matter how much you love each other, there is a real chance that a slow drift during your time apart will cause you to grow away from each other in ways that frequent flier miles cannot fix.

What’s the fix? This is one of the hardest long distance relationship problems to fix. Good, regular communication is obviously crucial to helping you stay closely in touch. Regular visits in both directions can help you feel connected to your partner’s life. Both agreeing that you want the distance to be temporary, and having close-the-gap goal in mind, will also help. In addition, talk about this risk with your partner. Discuss what you should do if one or both of you starts to feel that you re drifting apart in important ways.

5. Jumping in the deep end

Growing apart is a particular pitfall for couples that were established before they started doing long distance. Couples who (like I did) start their relationship across distance face almost the opposite problem—the temptation to become too emotionally intimate, too quickly.

In some ways, getting to know someone via email and phone calls can help your relationship. The distance can force you to talk about all sorts of things you might not have discussed if doing other things (or, um, each other) was a realistic option. When there’s nothing to build your relationship on but words, you can get to know someone’s heart and mind at a very deep level, quite quickly.

On the other hand, falling in love long distance is a risky business. When you start dating someone you’ve never met in person, it’s very easy to assume that they possess all sorts of charming qualities. It’s easy to believe that they are “perfect” for you. It’s way too easy to move too fast in your head and your heart, and to make serious commitments before you’ve ever met.

What’s the fix? Remember that the rules of long distance relationships should be the same as those posted at public pools: Walk, do not run. And no diving in headfirst. Take your time getting to know each other. Don’t let your head and heart run away with you. Approaching your new relationship in a measured manner may yield benefits for years to come. For more on this, check out this book:

6. Jealousy

Feeling a little jealous now and again is not unusual in a relationship, particularly when you are separated from your loved one. A little jealousy can even spark fresh attraction and a new appreciation for your partner. However, while a single candle can illuminate a room, a blaze can burn it to the ground.

Uncontrolled jealousy can lead to a destructive combination of suspicion, possessiveness, insecurity, anger, and shame. If you’re feeling jealous, it’s a good idea to figure out how to control your jealousy before it starts to control you.

What’s the fix: Controlling jealousy is not easy, but it can be done. Take a look at this article for more on the nuts and bolts of how to get a handle on overcoming jealousy: 6 Smart Ways To Stop Feeling Jealous In Your Long Distance Relationship.

7. Getting too tired or lazy to talk well

Couples in long distance relationships often talk about how the distance has helped them learn to communicate well, and at a very deep level. However, the opposite can also be true. Distance can also enable poor communication patterns to become established.

For starters, especially when one or both of you is busy, it can become easy not to invest in connecting deeply with your partner. In-depth conversations can become fewer and farther in between. It can become habitual to mostly talk about how your day was, or keep the conversation fairly superficial and brief.

What’s the fix? Set aside some “skype date” time at least once a week that’s dedicated to more than talking about how your day was. If you’re feeling very busy or tired, it may also be helpful to dial back the talk time for a while. Try talking only a couple of times a week for a while so that you can recharge. Then, when you do talk, focus. Make it count.

8. Miscommunications

Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen frequently in relationships. They happen when you share the same house with someone. They can happen even more frequently when you’re miles apart and sharing life via emails or a phone line.

During the early stages of my correspondence with my husband, Mike, three consecutive emails of mine ended up in Mike’s junk mail folder. Luckily for me, Mike is not easily offended or hurt (or, for that matter, deterred). If he had shut down and stopped writing to me because he assumed that I’d stopped writing to him, we may never have figured out what had happened.

Another time we were discussing something that I was very worried about. I explained my fears and Mike said, “That’s a fair concern.”

What I interpreted that to mean was, “Yeah, you should be worried about that.”

However, after further discussion it turned out that what Mike had actually meant to communicate was, “I understand why you might be worried about that, but it’s not going to happen.”

If I hadn’t stayed calm enough to tell him that his first reply had only made me more worried and unsettled, then he would not have had an opportunity to clarify what he meant and I would have continued to feel anxious.

When you’re in a long distance relationship it is much harder to access nonverbal cues like gestures, body language, facial expressions, eye contact, and even voice tone. This makes effective communication harder.

What’s the fix? Remember this! When you feel confused or hurt, remember that you may have misunderstood what your partner said or meant. Ask questions to clarify, and really try to respond thoughtfully rather than just react. Respond, don’t react is a great mantra to remember whenever you find yourself confused, upset, or angry.

Beyond any specific incident, learn the natural similarities and differences in your communication styles, and how each of you tends to react to frustration, disappointment, or conflict. Check out this article series on managing conflict in long distance relationships. Knowing this sort of stuff can forestall a lot of misunderstandings and frustration, and help you deal with these sorts of “charged” moments more productively

9. Stonewalling

People sometimes email me about their long distance relationship and say something like this: “My boyfriend hasn’t answered my calls or texts for three days now. I don’t know what I did wrong. What should I do?”

That, my friends, is stonewalling. It is using silence as a weapon or an escape. It is controlling the situation by simply refusing to engage. Distance makes this particularly easy to do, and it can drive your long distance partner crazy with frustration, second-guessing, and self-doubt.

What’s the fix: If you catch yourself stonewalling, ask yourself why. Are you trying to punish or hurt the other person? Or are you mostly taking what looks like the easy way out by avoiding complicated emotions or discussions? Whatever the answer is, stop it. It’s not a fair or respectful way to treat someone you claim to love. If you need some time to yourself, at least front up and explain what’s going on for you before you go silent. Don’t just disappear.

If you are on the receiving end of stonewalling, don’t let it slide. When your partner does get back in touch, tell them how hurt and frustrated it made you feel to get the silent treatment. Tell them how you wish they had dealt with the situation instead of disengaging.

10. Becoming possessive

Another issue that often pops up in my inbox goes something like this: “My long distance girlfriend/boyfriend wants to talk all the time. They freak out when I don’t answer a text within five minutes, and they want to know where I am and who I’m with every minute of the day. I’m starting to feel smothered but I don’t know how to tell them to back off.”

If stonewalling is controlling someone by holding them at a distance, becoming possessive is trying to control someone by grasping at them too tightly. Distance can make it harder to trust and easier for jealousy and insecurity to run rampant. This combination often fuels possessive and controlling behavior.

What’s the fix? If you are feeling and acting possessive, try to figure out why. This is a complicated issue, and that might not be easy to do. You can, however, act less controlling even before you sort out all your feelings. Take a hard look at what you are asking for from your partner in terms of contact, accessibility, and updates. Are your expectations reasonable? If not, decide what is reasonable (preferably together) and then stick to that.

If your partner is smothering you, tell them. Don’t try to make them back off by disengaging or stonewalling. That will only make them more anxious and demanding. Explain how their behaviour is making you feel, and how you’d prefer to interact.

11. Cheating

Do you want the good news? Here it is: Several research studies have concluded that cheating does not occur more often in long distance relationships.

Now, here’s the bad news: Cheating is not uncommon in relationships (whether same-city or long distance). Lying and cheating happen in relationships, and distance makes deceit easier to hide, for longer. For more on signs of cheating, check out this article: Ten Subtle Signs Your Long Distance Lover Might Be Cheating On You.

What’s the fix? This is one of the most feared long distance relationship problems. If you’re worried that your partner might be cheating on you, check out 21 Important Things To Do If You Suspect Your Partner Is Cheating. This is a step-by-step action plan to help you figure out whether your partner is cheating, and what to do about it. It’s full of practical examples of things you can do and say (and things not to do and say).

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Comments 75

  1. Hi Lisa, could you give me some advice?
    I had a crush on an Erasmus student at my university but I wasn’t planning on making a move because I knew long distance relationships aren’t for me. I was just content with daydreaming about someone. It was also a time when I was really working hard on improving and focusing on myself so I felt just overall very happy and accomplished. Then in April he asked me to date him… I was very shocked, the idea of a relationship had crossed my mind as an illusion, but I had no idea (well, I tried to “read the signals” so maybe I had a small idea) it was a possibility for it to become real. Also, I’m someone who doesn’t like to rush things because I only want to commit to someone if I don’t see an end to it. The first thing I told him when he asked wasn’t yes or no, it was “but you’re going away”. So we sat down and had a long talk, then walked and continued the talk, and in the end I couldn’t reject him. I didn’t want to. I felt like, if I said no, I would regret it. Even if I was going against two main principles of mine. So I said yes and we’ve lived happily for 3 months… those were the most amazing months! So many unexpected things happened, so many new experiences, he never once deviated from what I want in a man, he kept surprising me with his maturity and I felt very secure. Our plans for the future are also convergent, none of us stops each other from achieving their dreams for the other.
    So, 3 weeks ago (yes, only 3 weeks and here I am!) he went back to his country and we already have two visits planned: he’s coming to see me 2 weeks from now and stay for 13 days and then he’s coming again on Christmas for 6 days. He already bought the tickets. The thing is, while we always had something to talk about when we were together, now I just don’t find most of our conversations interesting and I’m a person who doesn’t do small talk, but with him I’ve been doing it just to keep in touch and it doesn’t make me feel any good. Also, everytime we come up with an actually interesting and exciting topic, he usually sugests that we save it for when we’re together, and I agree that it would be much more fun to talk about it when we’re together, but that leaves no theme for the distance communication. I feel bad because I’m raising issues only 3 weeks after he went away, but I really want to improve our communication when we’re apart. Also, another problem with communication is that we don’t have the same mother language. We have english in common and that’s mostly how we communicated when we were together. I’m learning his mother language and he’s learning mine (we were even before we met), but he’s at a more advanced level than me so he wants us to text in my language so that he can practice. However, even though his portuguese (my first language) is more advanced, it’s still not quite good and a lot of times I don’t understand what he wants to say, so our conversations have frequent gaps and aren’t fluent a lot of times…
    There’s another thing. (I’m sorry, I feel like I’m pointing out all my problems, but I think the way I feel is being influenced by all of these). I have a long distance best friend whom I met online 3 years ago. At some point, we admitted we liked each other (I even felt in love and I think he did too) but we never committed to each other precisely because of distance, we knew either of us would take it. The thing is, because I met him online, the base of our relationship were words from the beginning and we learnt how to talk and what to talk about, our conversations were never once boring and we were always a sort of shelter for each other. We still are. So, we were always best friends before any romantic connection, but we did flirt and dreamed about a future together, and we would mention it sometimes with no pressure attached. I think, if we had met in person before any of us fell for someone else, we would have ended up together. The thing is, now that I have a boyfriend, I had to tell my best friend that we should cut the flirting and not fantasize about being together as a couple anymore. He was sad (and I was a bit too because I felt that I was letting him go for good) but he understood and our relationship wasn’t affected by it (we really trust each other and are important to each other). Our conversations and how interesting they are are also not affected by this change. My main issue is that (even though I have in mind that the relationships started with different bases to stand on) my conversations with my best friend (and previous love interest) are much more exciting than the ones with my boyfriend. One time, my little sister even saw me smiling like a fool at my phone and said she knew I was talking to my boyfriend, but in truth I was talking to my best friend. Just before I had been talking to my boyfriend and she didn’t comment it at all, so I guess I wasn’t smiling that much at that time. I’m not saying I love my best friend more than my boyfriend. They are different kinds of love. I love my boyfriend very much, and he’s so good to me… trust isn’t an issue to me, nor jeaulousy, it’s really just communication… I don’t want my feelings for him to cool off just because we’re apart. I think, if we were together, I wouldn’t even be comparing my communication with him with the one with my best friend… I feel bad for doing so… help?
    Thank you for your time reading this!

  2. Hi Lisa,

    My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for just over 5 months now, and we’ve hit a wall.

    Suddenly, he fell ill with an ear infection that caused migraines – meaning, we were unable to contact each other as he needed to stay away from bright light and loud sound. Simultaneously, it was my school break and I found myself with a lot of gaps in my time, even though I was trying to fill them up.

    I felt lonelier than usual and noticed my boyfriend trying to spend more time with me despite his poor health. That made me feel absolutely terrible and so, he told me that I needed to think of him less to counter the loneliness instead.

    He said that we were too dependant on each other and that we needed to stop this. He described to me his own issues; he was becoming complacent in his own responsibilities as he felt that I would support him regardless. I agreed, as I had been concerned he was spending his money too freely as he should have been saving up for his eventual move regardless of me helping him pay for it. He continued by saying that there was nothing we could do for each other except for pep talks, when all we really need is a hug.

    Quite frankly, I was taken aback. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t relying on each other the essence of a relationship? I also had always been satisfied by our relationship and felt that all I did need was the occasional encouragement and that person that you know will always believe in you – but then I thought, maybe I’m not providing that for him like he is for me?

    For now, our solution is to stop talking to each other through the week and have quality catch up on the weekends to avoid the heavy reliance. However, I’ve been thinking: is this one of those instances where “if you love them, you have to let them go” applies? Should I unshackle my boyfriend from the long distance chains and let him find someone who can give him what he needs? We are still very much in love with each other but we’re also both quite young, I’m 18 and he’s 21. Please give me some advice on what actions I should take from now on.

    Thanks in advance,
    Emi

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      Wow, it’s great that he’s got the insight and courage to describe his own issues and be up front with you about where he’s at. But it sounds like that’s caused you to feel confused and unsettled. Gosh, relationships are tough sometimes, aren’t they? I think that this may be a case where “both of you are right.” He may be right that you’re starting to rely on each other in ways that are becoming unhealthy/unhelpful (and if he’s becoming careless with his money, he’s right on that). And you are right in that the essence of a healthy relationship is some significant degree of relying on each other. It’s finding the balance in that that can be so hard, and particularly hard if you’re far apart.

      If you still love him and are willing to do the “talk on weekends” thing only for a month or two, hang in there and see how it is. Don’t be too quick to end the relationship because you think that’s what HE wants, if it’s not what YOU want. On the other hand, if it’s not working for you after a month or two to talk only on the weekends, tell him. Look for a way forward, or then start looking to go in a different direction.

  3. I’m in a long distance relationship with this girl and the truth is we are fine we’ve never had any problems or anything but now she’s disappeared today makes it 4 days since I’ve heard anything from her and it is killing me especially like I said we haven’t been having any problems or anything. She literally told me she’d be back but that was Tuesday and I haven’t heard anything. I’m scared that something might have happened or something.

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  4. Hye Lisa, I stumbled upon your website and thought to ask a few questions about my relationship. I am from Malaysia (Nice to meet you!) and my boyfriend is in Singapore. All I am about to tell you did not happen until a week ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and we’re about to go into our 4th. I met him through a dating app when I was visiting Singapore for a concert. The night after the concert, we agreed to meet, and we did, he was all i was hoping for all my life. The one that fits the last piece of my heart. I knew i liked him when we hung out for the third time. I even went to visit him a few weeks after. We had a lot of good memories in just a short amount of time. But things took the other turn after I left and he got caught up with work. I knew his job scopes so I convinced myself that everything was fine. Until one night. I called him after a week that we haven’t been able to chat at all. It was a video call. I was being honest at how frustrated and pissed off I was, not at him but at the situation that we’re both in. Then he said it, “I’m going to be honest since we’re both being truthful”. His feelings for me were not that strong as it used to before. His reason being that he is at the age where his career is his primary target. I get that. I don’t want him to choose between me or his career either. I wanna make him happy. But his willing to give us a fighting chance but those words are merely words to me now. I can’t sleep, I’m not eating right, and I’m not even behaving like myself. He is only my second boyfriend for the past 22 years I’ve lived. I love him now as much as I loved him before, maybe even more. I don’t want to lose him. I never bring my walls down to anyone until he came along. We’ve talked about future visions together. How we both would love if we could live together. I even told him that he was the one that I was dreaming of just sitting in the car holding his hand, not talking how some lovey-dovey couples are (no offense), we just talked about what are we going to have for dinner. To me, that is what I look for in a guy. I don’t understand what happened. Every time I try to understand, I’ll just point everything to myself, that I’m the one who caused all of these things to happened. I don’t know what to do, help me please? Thank you.

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      Hi there. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I know these situations are SO painful. I have to say, though, that I’m not sure there’s a lot you can do to move the relationship forward at this stage. He’s being honest with you that he’s not feeling as strongly for you, and you’re far apart. It’s unlikely that a LDR will succeed long term under those conditions. I know it hurts, but I think you need to focus on the good things that came from knowing him and trust that you can carry those good things forward into the future.

  5. Hi Lisa my name is Anna and I need your honset opinion. So im in long distance relationship. I meet my partner in crime online and let me tell you sparks have developed. To be honset I wasnt accepting much nor did he. Now it marks 2 months and one week. So whenever he calls Im myself and we are open. He makes me laugh and I can see the love and the commitment is 100%. I guess I miss him too much when he hangs up the phone. So I gave him my phone number . He calls from his friend’s number through private. He says I cant call because a) its not his phone and his friend’s wife wouldnt appreciate me calling him b) he wouldnt be the one answering. He said be patient but to what extent. I think about him alot and I dont want to do with our feelings. He missed our anniversary and we didnt talk for 4 days than he called 2 days for 3 minutes when I was half asleep to be honset I dont remember what I was saying. I thought I was dreaming. He sounded anxious and he said that he was really worry. Those were awake call and by the time I wake up he ended the call. I felt my stomach Turing . I didn’t reassurance enough. I didnt shower my love and I cant for his call . Im the most patient person but when it comes to my bf it feels forever. He said that he is tangled with work. He cant call this week. All I said while half was dont worry about .and that one day you will make it up to me. He said that im sweet and kissed me. What should I do next time.

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      Hey there,

      Well… it seems a bit strange to me that he can call you whenever he wants but he never wants you to call him. It also sounds like you went into this with low expectations and have been pleasantly surprised by how you’ve become attracted to him. My advice is to keep being open and honest and upfront NOW, before you get any more involved. Figure out what you want (to be able to call him? to have him call you regularly? etc) and then tell him. Don’t worry too much about reassuring him or not hurting his feelings. If he doesn’t call you for several days and then call you in the middle of the night saying he’s worried, and then hangs up on you… it sounds like he’s being controlling.

  6. Hi lisa, ive been with my boyfriend for close to 3 years. He recently moved 8 hours away and I’ve been miserable. We’ve always had ups and downs but months before he got this job offer, we had finally found common ground and were happy. He struggled for months to give work and then one day a friend offered him a great job opportunity 8hrs away. At first, I said sure, go check it out but then it became real and he decided to move up there. Before he left, he said he had wished I would stop him but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the reason for him to lose out on a good opportunity, I wanted him to be happy. But then he left and it hit me hard. I cried daily, I begged him to cone back, I tried to be patient and understanding but nothing I did made me happy. Or feel happy for him. We’re constantly fighting now, I feel lonely and like we don’t talk or share things like we used to and I know he tries but its not enough for me. I always feel angry and resentful towards him and I’m pushing him away. I try to be happy for him but I’m just so angry with him all the time that we can’t even have a decent conversation. I’m too the point where I just don’t know if I want to be in it anymore. I Don’t know what I want to do with it and I know I’m pushing him away. That’s the last thing I want to do but I’m just not happy with this anymore. I told him from the very beginning that I wasnt good at this, that this wasn’t what i wanted but he just asked for patience and I’m feeling like I can’t anymore. I love him but I dont think this is for me and it hurts because I love him and if I could just be that, patient, I’d enjoy the fruits of his efforts.

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      I have to start with something that really jumped out at me in your comment–that your boyfriend said he wished you would have stopped him from leaving. I don’t know how seriously you or him took this, but it almost sounds like your boyfriend is putting all the responsibility for this situation on you. It wasn’t your responsibility to stop him. He decided to pursue this opportunity and you supported him in that. Him saying something like that is a subtle way of blaming you for the situation. I also hear you blaming yourself a lot about this situation. You say you feel angry and resentful all the time (and you seem to feel guilty for that) and you wish you could be more patient. I think it would be good if you could start by letting go of the blame and just focusing on how you’re feeling with judging yourself for feeling that way. The situation is now what it is, he can still decide to quit his job and move back, or you could decide to move, or you could decide to do long distance for a year and see where you’re at, or you could decide that you’ve had your time together and this is too hard and fraught and it’s time to break it off. All of those options are valid choices, and I think it will be easier for the two of you to figure out which one sounds best to you without so much blame in your dynamic. Does that make sense?

  7. Hi Jessie. Similar situation in which I slept with guys during my breakup but, my husband (then ex) didn’t. He’s hurt me many times and that was my way of getting back at him as well as satisfying myself. However, I realized I was hurting the both of us and was still thinking about my ex. He took me back and I did tell him the truth but he never judged or blamed me for doing that. Til this day, I wondered how I could be with someone so understanding. It’s a healing process and one day you’ll forgive yourself for your actions. The important thing is to focus on your relationship now and to make it work and worth it for the both of you. Tbh, I don’t like that your bf told his parents what you did because your relationship should be between you and him. Talk to him about privacy and how he needs to explain to them what you had gone through during his absence.

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  8. Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together since freshman year or high school. We graduated together and recently just hit our four year anniversary. After high school graduation last year he moved away to Kansas for college from Florida. I cried for a year begging him not to go. I warned him it wasn’t a good idea because he wasn’t passionate about what he was going to college for. He was only going to major in that for the money. Things fell apart after about 4 months him being gone. He lacked communication with me and kind of put me to the side. I didn’t have many people. Never have never will. So I lost myself and I ended up cheating on him. I never would have thought in a million years I would have turned out being a cheater. I told him the day after it happened. On my birthday. After we were apart for about 4 more months after that I met someone and he realized I was right. It was a stupid idea to move up to Kansas. And he realized halfway through finishing college he didn’t want to do what he was doing. I actually had met someone. Someone who made me happy and gave me attention and made time for me. I knew I had to tell him. I told him and after about a week he admitted he wanted me back and he said he forgives me and he does want to work things out. He’s actually moving back down in about a week now for good. But I couldn’t just throw away my boyfriend of four years for some guy I just met. The guy I just met have strong feelings for but he has hurt me in lots of way because I chose to go back to my boyfriend of four years. I’ve been spending time with my boyfriend of four years. He’s currently visiting until he moves back permanently next week. But every time I’m with him I remember how much I hurt him and what I did to him. I feel like a bad person and I feel different and I feel like I don’t deserve to be with such a good guy. He didn’t sleep or see anyone else when he was at college. But I did. But I also went through a lot of things. My dad almost died and he wasn’t by my side. No one was. Not saying that losing my dad and almost dying in a car crash is an excuse to cheat but I feel like what I did comes from pain from him leaving and what has happened to me over the course of a year. He has forgiven me… but I don’t know how to forgive myself. His parents don’t like me either because he told his parents what I did. But his parents don’t know everything I went through either. I’ve never had a good realationship with them. I need some true honest advice and I need someone to talk to because no one seems to be able to tell me what I’m supposed to do or how I’m suppose to forgive myself so I can move on and make more memories with him.

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      Hi Jessie, I wrote a book recently for readers called 21 Important Things To Do If You Think Your Partner Is Cheating (https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/essential-conversations-bundle/). During the course of writing that book I read ANOTHER book that I think would be even more helpful in your situation. That book is AFTER THE AFFAIR. You can see it on Amazon here. There’s a lot in there about rebuilding trust and forgiveness. My book is more about the immediate situation surrounding cheating and how to talk to your partner and figure out whether you want to move forward. This one goes into more detail about rebuilding trust when you KNOW you want to stay together: https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Updated-Second-Rebuilding-ebook/dp/B00APGI85I/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1497915023&sr=1-1&keywords=After+The+Affair

  9. Hi Lisa,

    I’ve been in a relationship for 10 months, long distance for the last 5 (with one visit in between.) I’m moving to the UK to be with him in a few months, but I’ve been sad and uncertain about things a lot lately. I’ve noticed him being less and less affectionate over time. When I brought this up a few months back he said he’d make an effort to show more affection, and things were better for awhile, but recently he’s just stopped trying. He spends a lot of time doing practical things like looking for a place for us to live together, which suggests he still cares about the relationship, but I’m worried that he’s already stopped doing the sweet things he did to woo me originally, and that moving to his city where he’s my main point of contact will only encourage him to take me for granted. I’m hoping this emotional distance I’m feeling will go away when we close the physical distance, but I’m getting increasingly concerned about the possibility that things won’t change when I move in with him and I’ll continue to feel undesired and unloved. I don’t want to bring this up because I know he’s been working really hard to find us a house, but he never says the sweet things he used to anymore and I find myself going to bed in tears more often than not. I miss feeling special and it’s gotten to the point where the best part of some of my weeks is when other guys show interest in me. I truly love this guy and I want things to work out but there are still several months of long distance left and I’m scared of stirring up trouble in the relationship and putting it in jeopardy. At the same time, I don’t know if I can last these months feeling so heartbroken all the time. What do I do?

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      Hi Alicia, That sounds really difficult. And it’s hard to tell from what you say (as I know it’s hard for YOU to tell) whether your boyfriend’s feeling really are changing and he’s taking you more for granted or whether he’s swung into “task” mode now that he knows your coming and he’s concentrating more on DOING things to make it happen–finding a house, etc. Sometimes when guys, particularly, swing into task mode they tend to swing out of affection and connection mode. Anyway, I would have a read of this article. https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/closing-the-gap-long-distance-relationship/. I would also think about having a talk with him about this. Just tell him how you’re feeling… sad, uncertain, a bit anxious about moving, and sad that you don’t seem to hear the same words of love and affection from him that you used to. Tell him that this is particularly hard because it’s started to make you wonder whether moving is the right thing. Then let him know how he can help you–by saying the “I love you’s” and putting more energy on connecting in the lead up to your move. Hopefully that sort of conversation can nudge the two of you back onto firmer ground, but do keep an eye on how you’re feeling. It’s normal to be stressed before a big move like this, and second guessing it. Sometimes you just have to push through those feelings, and sometimes you need to pay attention to them. All the best as you try to untangle this on your end.

  10. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for over a year now and we talk on the phone every morning, throughout the day and every night. We have only seen each other a total of 10 days. We r about 10 hours away
    How long is the talking stage b4 we take it 2 the next level?

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  11. Hi am ana. I met my boyfriend through an online dating site. We really hit it off and the following weeks were the best. We then had the sex talk. I really enjoyed it but I said something that really hurt him. Things immediately changed. He was no longer enthusiastic about our talks. I am really lost because I do care about him. May even love him and before the sex talk I think he felt way. Now he doesn’t want to talk about sex anymore. Please help.

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      Hi Ana, that sounds really painful. Sorry. I hope you managed to talk through it with him. But if not, please do remember that you’re better off without him if he couldn’t get past the first speed-bump you guys hit. All the best.

  12. Hey Lisa, I had been with my ex girlfriend in long distance for about a year or so prior to that she was with me here in Canada but then she had to move back to Mexico and at that time I decided to go with her for a bit. Fast forward after I left Mexico feelings were falling apart, we still love each other but the pain of not being able to see her, touch her, and hug her for so long causes me so much pain that I d rather not be with her because of it, do you think this is the right choice?

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      I don’t think there is a single right or wrong choice, but I think this is a really valid choice in LDRs. Sometimes the pain just IS too much and it’s easier and cleaner to walk away. I hope you’re going well.

  13. Hi Lisa,
    I met my boyfriend about 11 years ago while working abroad. I’m Canadian and he is American. We got together almost 6 years ago. This is without a doubt the best relationship I have ever been in. We never fight. We talk about things I can’t talk to anyone else about. I can totally be me and he never judges or makes me feel small. I have no doubt that he loves and cares about me, nor do I have any doubt that he is faithful to me. He is a single parent that works a time demanding job (usually overnight/ weekends/ holidays). We have seen each other exactly 2 times since we got together. I’ve brought up marriage and kids numerous times right from the start so he knows my stance on that. He said he wants to marry me “someday”. I can wait…reluctantly. I’m close to 40 and I’m worried it will be too late for me to have kids though. I feel like he’s gotten too comfortable with the way things are. I am willing to relocate to where he is but whenever I bring up our future together, I get stonewalled. If I get tired of waiting for a response and greet him good morning…etc, he will respond but completely disregards the previous conversation. This morning I worked up the courage and basically told him to communicate or part ways (not in those words of course). I can see he got the message but he hasn’t answered. I’m so frustrated and upset and desperately need unbiased advice. Please help.
    Thank you.

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      Oh, I’m so sorry. It sounds like he doesn’t know HOW to do conflict. When you said you never fight, and then later you said that he just checks out and stonewalls you when you bring up something he doesn’t want to answer or deal with… stonewalling IS a way of fighting and trying to control. It’s just not a very MATURE way. Anyway, really sorry. I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by pressing the issue. Just sitting around waiting will not get you the answer you really need. You have wants and needs and timelines apart from him, and I think it’s totally fair enough for you to say you’re at a point where you need a clear answer one way or another. I hope you got the answer you wanted and that you’re going well, either way. I wish you all the best.

  14. Hello Lisa, I’ve been in a relationship for 3 months with a man I met online, we communicate everyday and we love eachother. I lost my job 3 months into our relationship and I had financial problem which he’s aware of though he tried helping me to solve it. Recently I texted him to inform him about some issues am battling with cause I see him as someone I can confide in but unfortunately he didn’t respond. I love him very much and am not good at keeping things to myself that’s why I open up to him everytime and I think he’s about to break up with me or maybe it’s just my head telling me that. Pls I need your advice on what to do to make everything go back to normal between us.

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      Hi Jossie, it’s been ages since I’ve had time to answer comments, so this is coming weeks later. You’ve either resolved this now, or you haven’t. If you’re still together I’d advise you to look at the article on pursuit retreat on our blog, and also the one on casual intimacy.

  15. Hello. Any possible idea on how to comfort a boyfriend in long distance relationship? No, we haven’t met yet. It might take 5 more years for me to be able to visit him. We lived miles away, across the South China Sea. We’ve been with each other for 3 months more now. And I can say he’s having a hard time hanging on. He’s having it rough for his life and he told me that all I could do is “advice” and not comfort. Financial- is an uptight matter. Any ideas please?

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      Asking questions and listening really well is one of the best comforts you can give. Doing small things or sending small messages or tokens is another way to make someone feel loved and help them know you’re thinking of them. But I would start by asking him lots of questions and listening well, and if it seems like he doesn’t want to talk, try telling him some things about you and your day to help him feel more connected to you.

  16. Hello,

    I have been in a long distance relationship for 7 months as my OH is in the forces, having already been in a relationship a couple of years ago for a short 3 months which didn’t work because of stonewalling on my partners behalf.

    For the first 4 month of our relationship (this time)he was still in the UK and therefore I got to see him at least once a month and we could plan things and it was working great .

    In January he was posted overseas ,which is where he was the first time around. The first few weeks were fine but then after about 5 weeks I began feeling numb and finding it hard and emotional to deal with . He was coming home after 7 weeks so I tried to focus on him coming home to visit and looking forward to it and imagining it to give me something to look forward too.

    He has since been home and been back overseas for 1 week now and although it was nice to see him we both found it really hard to adapt to being around each other again and it didn’t seem to have the same feel as it had previously. Since he has gone away I had one day ( the day he left)of being really overwhelmed and emotional and began to overthink things . Since then I feel as though I am numb inside I don’t feel like I feel anything and it is worrying me I am starting to doubt myself and my feelings and wonder whether I am stonewalling or have just lost all feeling.

    I have tried to speak to my OH and explain but he just says he loves me and doesn’t know what to say. I feel like I ant even take on board that he loves me anymore .

    I am worried that I am stonewalling and wondering how I can help myself as I don’t want to it to end like previously but feel as though if I keep stonewalling it will end. I have debated actually ending things to see how it affects me so I can see if I f have feelings but I also know deep down that’s not a good idea and not what I really want .

    I would be grateful for any advice.

    Thanks

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      Author

      I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to reply. I was traveling with family and children all of April. We’ve only been home a couple of weeks.

      It sounds like you’re in a very tough situation. Feeling numb inside and actually stonewalling someone are two different (although sometimes overlapping) things. We can end up feeling numb because it’s just so hard and we’re shutting down our emotions and withdrawing to try to protect ourselves. Or we can end up feeling numb because our feeling ARE changing and we don’t care like we used to and it’s time to think about ending the relationship. It can be very difficult to tell the difference.

      Anyway, I suspect you’re in a different place by now one way or another. I hope you’re doing well.

  17. Thanks for the reply. They are both great articles with good view points. I can’t wait to close the distance but luckily for me I have 2 beautiful children who keep my life full and happy. Having things to focus on outside of your relationship is possibly the only thing that stops the insanity. Have a great day xx

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  18. Hey Lisa,
    Thank you I found your article really well written and informative. LDR are hard work but can be incredibly wonderful. The worst downside for my partner and I is not being able to physically be there for each other when things get tough. I know right now my partner is on the other side of the country and can’t sleep because he is stressed and angry. There is nothing i can do about it and it breaks my heart. All he needs is a big kiss and a cuddle and i cant give it to him. That right there kills me and him every single day. LDR are all about closing the distance. Xx that’s all any of us truly want.

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  19. Hi Lisa,
    I (23) have been in a long distance relationship for a year and 10 months now. My boyfriend (24) is nine hours away by car and an hour and a half by plane. He moves back to the city I am living in 53 days! I saw him 2 weeks ago but since he is away again he has been slow to reply to my texts. I asked him this morning to call me when he can so we can catch up since he was getting ready for class. It’s already evening and it has been so quiet, I’m worried he may be tired of talking to me or something. I know it is his last semester at University and he has to look for a job before he graduates. But I feel like time a little bit of time out for your girlfriend (me) isn’t a lot of work and he easily could. I’m letting him talk to me first since the past week I have been initiating.

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      HI Sarah. It’s so hard to know whether you’re over-reacting or whether your instincts are warning you that something is not quite right. Sometimes it’s a bit of both. We’ve just published two article son the blog in the last couple of weeks about closing the gap, so make sure you take a look at those. And I would give him a couple of days and let him call you this time, but also when he does maybe consider a low-key and casual query around, “hey, is there something we need to talk about because I feel like I’ve been reaching out lately and you’ve been a bit more quiet than normal. Are we OK?” and see what comes up. Given he’s coming back soon I wouldn’t push it too hard, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, I don’t think. All the best, Lisa

  20. I am struggling so much with my long distance relationship. Its only been three weeks, but I feel so distant from him. We are both very busy and barely ever get to talk to each other, and never on the phone/skype. He visited for two days a week ago and even with him I felt distant. I’m not sure I can do this anymore, but I don’t want to leave him either. Even if I did want to break up, I won’t see him in person now for another month, and even then I probably couldn’t do it because I care so much about him and he is such an amazing person. But I feel so alone and irritable. This isn’t a temporary thing, I am at university for three years, and he is seventeen hours away by car. We will only see each other in person for a few weeks every couple of months. How can I make this work? Is it worth it? I am in so much pain right now, but I know if I left, it would destroy him. I love him too much to let that happen, but I can’t see a future for us right now

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  21. Hi Lisa,
    My name is Jessica and I am in a long distance relationship first time as of going on 5 months now. I was definitely not looking for this or a relationship but he kind of came unexpectedly. I’m living in the US and he is in Canada. Now in the beginning it was great we both wanted the same things something serious, long term, someone to spend our lives with and start a family with but lately I noticed that as I read here he has been doing a lot of stone walling. On our last visit we talked on how we would make our distance not be so long distance anymore and I plan to visit him next month. He expressed to me how hard it was the distance on our last visit but he would be patient since we will be working on closing that distance gap.

    I have a guy friend who tells me to be patient with him since he has experience in long distance. But when I text or call 3-4days and get nothing it hurts. I have a Visit next month and Im not sure where we are headed now. I’ve cried a lot and prayed but I know it may be a possibility on my next visit that things may end how I don’t want them to. I love him but I realized I can’t be the only one making this work. I text good morning, wish him a great day…and all I hear are crickets and that hurts, I tell myself be patient and I can’t give up that easy on him. When were together it’s like we were never apart but when we are apart it’s almost like we’re strangers now. Soo I’m not sure when I’ll talk to him again but on my next visit… I’m just going to stay positive. Any words of advice?

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      Sounds like you’re doing the right thing by going up there for a visit. And that you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I don’t know enough to offer advice, per se, but you might want to take a look at this article that talks about pursuit-retreat, it sounds like there’s a bit of that going on for you guys. https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/distant-relationships-pursuit-retreat/. There might be some ideas in that that help. Hope the visit goes well and you can have some good talks not just about whether you want to keep doing this, but how you’re communicating and ways you could both adjust that moving forward. All the best.

  22. Hello, I’m Alen and I need an advice. I was in relationship with my gf for almost 2 years (8 months of ldr). We broke up yesterday. Actually, I had to leave her because she made a sort of pressure on me. She told me that she has urge to flirt with other boys who work with her. She apparently still loves me and needs me but flirting is something she currently likes. I am in mid 20s and she is 20. She moved to another country to work and study. We planned our future together. We survived 8 months of ldr and I am proud of it. We managed to see 22 days in those 8 months. In recent period, she behaves very unusual, she is emotional unstable. She does not know what she wants. She also thinks she is maybe too young, she said she want to experience new sexual things. I am her first boyfriend. She told me yesterday that she needs some time to think about everything, but because I was tired of her games, I told her that I break up. I don’t know do I trust her anymore. I only know I love her so much, and I want that we be happy again. Should I call her after some time or I must apply no contact at all rule? Thank you very much.

  23. Hi Lisa,

    Thank you for the read, this definitely helps. I am currently in a LDR and it has been going very well for the most part. We are seeing each other in two weeks for a mini holiday. There has been a challenge here and there, my mum has been ill and I haven’t had as much time to talk on the phone at night, or after I am done work as I have been with her quite often. This has been hard on him, understandably so and he feels bad for being frustrated by it in the first place but when I say I will make more effort he gets upset saying it shouldn’t have to either, that he is just trying to be as transparent as possible with how he is feeling. When he talks about being frustrated at times when I can’t give him as much phone time I get scared thinking that he is pulling away or giving up and then it just leaves a sort of sadness around us for a day or so until we talk it out on the phone and then we are good for a few weeks again. Last night I told him I would make more effort in having more phone calls and not just texting though we do have date nights, and nights we fall asleep on the phone etc. I guess I am just worried to lose him but at the same time it is tough right now for me to dedicate that kind of time so it is hard and I feel a bit between a rock and a hard place. Then at times I feel like I am willing to fight for this, and push and when he gets frustrated I fear that he isn’t. But I could just be acting on emotion with that versus thinking about it logically. Any advice or suggestions would be great, thank you.

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      Hey Sara, it DOES sound like you’re in a season of being caught between a rock and a hard place for sure. My main thought at this point is to hang in there until you see each other in two weeks. And at some point during that mini holiday to talk about this face to face. Explain to him what you’ve written down here (it sounds like you guys are good communicators so that should be doable) and ask him how he’s feeling (and the ups and downs). Tell him you’re committed to making it work, and ask him what would help him to feel more connected right now. Then really make an effort to meet those minimum standards if you think you can (e.g., a longer phone call mid week and a tele date on the weekend). If you think of it, come back and let us know how it’s going.

  24. Hi i’m Agnes. I’m in Long Distance Relationship with my boyfriend. I live in indonesia and he live in America. I met him at online dating website, we just start dating and it’s been two months. But lately he always avoiding me when i asked him to have me a phone call and barely text me back. He told me that his flame for this relationship is not as same as the first time, i freaked out and hurt. I do admit that i’m so annoying sometimes, i freaked out when he is not reply my text within 5 minutes but he always said it’s okay baby it’s normal. But i think he is getting sick of that thing now. We’ve been planing on a trip for our first meeting on next month but since this is happening we never talk about it anymore, but i really want to know is he still coming or not because i love him so much and i don’t want to lose him. He once told me he want to marry me and i want it too, i want to be like you and your husband.
    I really need your advice, please tell me what to do.

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      Author

      Hi Agnes, I would ask him straight out (calmly, and without freaking out) if he is still interested in meeting up. I’ll be honest, it sounds to me like you’ve experienced one of those super-quick super-intense connections that is fizzling out (on his end). It’s reasonable for you to ask if he’s still planning on coming, and to talk with him about how many times a week you’d LIKE to talk to him, but I would prepare yourself for his answer being “no” because I think it sounds like he’s losing interest. All the best.

  25. My ldr bf and I live in different countries about 3000 miles apart. It has been 3 years now and it has been good and we came to know each other well. He came over to see me and I went over to see him. We have met few times in this 3 years and we were very happy. Suddenly last July, his ex wife passed away due to cancer and his teenage daughter who just turned 18 started living with him. The whole situation changed from being available to me 24/7 to being unavailable at all. I can understand that he as the father should take care of his daughter who will be sitting for an important exam in March 2017. But I do feel jealous that he keeps prioritising his daughter than me. I have spoken to him about it and he said that he is trying but it is hard because he has not been with his daughter for past 6 years and now she is his responsibility. The situation is very hard for him as he is coping with the routine etc. I am a little concern because my last visit to his place was last December and his daughter who was okay with me visiting with my son suddenly went off to her aunt’s place because she was not happy to see us there. This happened within minutes of our arrival there. It put me and my son in a tough spot but I didn’t say anything as it is his daughter and I didn’t want to get involved. Now that I am back home I find that our relationship is being affected due to him focussing more on his daughter and no time for me. All these changes has made me very sad and recently we had a tiff and he asked me to leave him alone. I was stunned because what I said was I am willing to compromise and not disturb him with texts and will chat with him once he texts me to say he is free. I had to call him and explain to him that he misconstrued what I texted him and he apologised. But I am deeply hurt and have not texted him these past 2 days and not replied his messages as well. We love each other but this temporary situation is killing us both. I don’t know what to do anymore…

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      Hi Vas, sorry it’s been a while since you left this comment, so I’m guessing that you’re resolved the argument you were writing about by now. Has the situation improved? Three years is a long time and a lot of history you have together, so I would encourage you to keep trying to communicate about this and work out how you can connect in ways that feel feasible and sustaining for both of you. Do let us know how you’re going. All the best, Lisa

  26. Lisa,

    I need your advice on something that has been on my heart lately. So I am in a long distance relationship with the love of my life for about 10 months now. We met in college, and I truly do love him. He lives across the country from me, and we went a span of 4 months of not seeing each other. Unfortunately, I had a slip up on my side of the relationship, where I hooked up (no penetration and was safe) with someone I had met at a friend’s party. The next day, I went about my daily life without feeling much guilt, until I saw the same guy I hooked up with at another party a month later (in this month, my boyfriend had come to see me and it was an amazing time… still not guilt). This same guy tried to hook up with me again at the party, and I didn’t allow it to happen this time. But I started to feel incredulously guilty the next couple of days, so much that I was basically having panic attacks (it’s weird that it started then, instead of earlier). It is less so now (about three weeks after I saw this guy for the second time), but I am sometimes so ashamed for what I did. I plan on seeing my boyfriend next weekend in his city, but I feel like I have to tell him. From what I know, this is literally the only cheating that has occurred in our relationship, and I am not sure if telling him will help any situation. I feel absolutely terrrrrible for what happened, and I plan on being much more aware about situations like these (drinking, partying with strangers, etc). What do you think I should do? I really feel changed by what I am feeling, and I am 100% sure this situation will never again happen. Any thoughts are appreciated.

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      Hi there, You’ve probably seen him by now and made the decision to tell him or not tell him, so this reply may come too late. You seem very committed to making sure nothing like this ever happens again, but you also seem to be feeling really guilty. There is a personal price to pay for keeping a secret like this–if you stay together in the long run you will always feel some guilt and burden when you think of this. There is also a personal and relational price to pay for telling him–he will be very hurt, it will erode his trust in you, and it can damage your relationship in ways that are long lasting and difficult to heal–although it can also open up a new level of communication and closeness if you work through it well. You need to weigh up which of those two prices you want to pay. And if you think of it, do come back and let me know what you decided. All the best.

  27. Hey,
    I am Australia and my boyfriend of 2 years lives in the states. I have visited 3 times over the past 3 years and obviously am expecting him to visit me. We had always planned for it to be this May and would mark 6 months since I left him back in the US. We have had some communication problems recently. When it comes to the weekends, he’s phone is hardly touched because he is enjoying time with his friends. Which I love that he is but I feel like he never thinks about me. I get upset and feel like I don’t exist because I’m lucky if I get any messages at all while he is out with his friends. I also feel like he can go days without talking to me and it’s no big deal. I’m the one who starts conversations, suggests or asks to FaceTime. Because of these arguments he tells me he is put off buying his ticket to Aus and says he will buy it when we stop fighting. How am I suppose to confront him about the ticket without pushing the boundaries and having “that conversation” again? I know I’m just going to hear, “I’ll buy them when we stop fighting” but it’s 3 months away till he’s due here!?

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      Ugh, Phoebe, that is SUCH a hard one. One possibility for you to consider is to write him an email–the sort of email you draft, then let sit for a day, then come back to re-read and make sure it says exactly what you want it to say in the least inflammatory way possible. In that email, one of the things you could do is describe this dynamic similarly to how you’ve described it to me… that you feel like you’re often the one initiating contact at the moment, and then when you DO speak you often end up arguing about ____ (fill in the blank). You understand his reluctance to discuss buying tickets when you feel like you’re arguing a lot, but you feel like he’s using it as a “control chip” so to speak. Tell him what you WANT in your relationship, that you want to feel you can discuss anything with him freely and maturely without feeling like he’s threatening not to come and visit if you keep bringing up issues with him that you’d like to be working on together as a team. Try to phrase things positively (talk about what you WANT) for the two of you and position yourself as being on the same team. Tell him you’d like to discuss his hesitations about buying the ticket and hear more about his concerns so that you can figure out a good way forward together?? All the best with this tricky situation!

  28. Hello, my LDR has come to a hault. He said he needs space and time to figure things out. He doesn’t see how our relationship can work as I live in Canada and he lives in the USA. The only ways I can move down there are for a fiancé visa or a work sponsorship.

    He stated that maybe after tax season he’d more fiancially stable and we could restart the relationship?

    It sounds like to me he has made decision and just doesn’t want to deal with ending it with me.

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      Author

      Hi TCM… To be honest it sounds that way to me, too. And it’s SO frustrating to be on your end of one of these situations when you can’t figure out what’s going on. If I were you I would assume the relationship is over and move on. If he decides to contact you again later, you can decide then how you feel. But don’t wait around for him. Embrace change. Embrace life. And see what happens down the track. All the best.

  29. Hey lisa I feel like my girlfriend is just telling me what I want to hear. Some of it is my fault, Ive admitted it to her and told her I was sorry for pushing my insecurities on her and put real effort into changing myself. My life is very complicated but Ive always been really honest with her about everything and never kept secrets from her. It just feels like she tells me what she thinks I want to hear when I ask questions and try to get to know her and not what she really feels. She also has many male friends, which bothered me at first because I would see pictures of them together and they would have there arm around them or be very close to them. I explained how it made me feel uncomfortable. Lately I have become very suspicious though that she may have cheated on me emotionally or physically and has lied to me about it. I’ve seen msgs of her male friends sending her shirtless pics but she just talks about how they need to gain weight. Ive also seen how certain friends of hers who are male she would talk to them about her problems in the past but not me. We have very open communication but once again it always feels like shes just telling me what I want to hear and sometimes has little slips and says things that make me very wary. Also she acts very sexually innocent and tells me she hasnt really had much of a sex life but on facebook ive seen guys in the past tell her to give them fellatio and she just doesnt respond or possibly has deleted her responses. Ive also heard from other people that she may have had more sexual experience than she has told me, not sex for say but fellatio with other men. The people who told me though may be unreliable so I dont know what to think on the subject. Our relationship is long distance so i cant be there to see and hear the truth for myself. Its also complicated for me because I have high functioning autism so sometimes its really hard for me to decrypt what she saying or feeling. Also sometimes I feel like when she talks about other people or things her exes did that shes really hinting towards me about something. This bothers me because Im so straight forward with her and I dont feel like im getting it in return. I feel like if I ask her a srs question she answers with what she thinks I wanna hear once again. I truly have fallen in love with this girl and Im trying really hard to fix my insecurties and problems and make myself a better person, not just for her but for me. Also Ive noticed she scared to tell me things because she doesnt want to hurt my feelings, even though many times ive told her it wont if she just tells me something straight out. Add on to that shes very coy with me sexually. She hardly ever says anything sexual to me or even tells me I look nice unless I directly ask her if she finds me attractive. And sometimes when I try and be sexual with her she changes the subject….even though ive seen her talk sexually to her exes in the past. Its all very complicated and lately I feel like maybe it would be best if I left her so that she could not have to deal with my problems and because I feel like Im the only one trying. I love her so much I would suffer to help her be able to experience life not tied down to me. Oh..and I should have mentioned the age gap of 15 years. Im 36 and shes 22. I was career military until a few years ago and all this sort of thing is new to me. Any help you could give would be appreciated and sorry if im a little rambley and off course. Its 3 am and Ive been up all night researching how to make this work and how to better myself. thanks

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      Author

      Hi Tim, It sounds like you’ve put a lot of time and effort into understanding yourself, and understanding relationships and communication. I’m sure it’s hard to figure out what she means with some of her behavior, and the fact that she is much younger than you and you’re in a long distance relationship certainly doesn’t help. I’ve never met either of you, so I really have no idea what is going on for you. If I were to guess, however, I would say a couple of things….

      I would guess that she is not very good at being upfront with what she really thinks or feels about things. This is probably partly the fact that, at 22, she is still pretty young, and may not even know what’s going on in her head half the time. And if she is a natural conflict avoider she probably IS very scared of hurting your feelings. If she can’t get better at saying things straight out to you, it’s going to make your LDR even more difficult than it already is.

      The second things I would ask is whether you’ve met in person yet? If not, I’d advise trying to set that meeting up. Or plan your next visit. If she’s not keen on meeting up that means she’s really ambivalent about the relationship. And if she’s that ambivalent about the relationship you should let her go (NOT for her sake, for yours).

      All the best, and keep up the efforts. Someone’s going to be a lucky woman to have you for her own one day, even if this is not the right one. I’m sure of it.

  30. Hello I need advice on how to help my LDR grow stronger. Me and my boyfriend are about to reach our one year but unfortunately he had a tragic event where his dad passed away and it changed the loving man I once knew . Now that he’s changed he doesn’t perform the routines as he once did and I feel depressed because I feel like our love is fading and I’m not important anymore. I’m scared he will hurt me again and I feel like our future is doom. Can you help me ? Thanks

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      Author

      Hi Rochelle, I would start by asking lots of caring questions about what he’s feeling and how things are going. Ask him to tell you stories about his dad. After you’ve done lots of asking and listening (if he’ll talk to you–if he doesn’t want to talk to you or answer your questions that really signifies he’s withdrawing from you and the relationship) then try gently telling him that you don’t feel as connected, that he feels distant and that you are finding it hard to know how to support him during this time and connect well with him. See what he says and take if from there.

  31. Hi, I’ve read your article and found it quite interesting. I am also in a long distance relationship, and I feel that one of the most difficult problems that I face with my girlfriend is not mentioned in your list; that is – the simple pain of not being there for her in times when she needs me most. There are times when my girlfriend has become ill, felt threatened by someone, or just had a bad day, and I could not be there for her to comfort, console or protect her. And she would blame me for it, even though she knows that it is not my fault. I would always feel terrible. And I can only apologize to her, because I do feel a huge sense of guilt of not being able to just be there for her. The conservation then spirals into more anger, pain and guilt. And she would tell me that I would not be able to make up for all the times I have not been there for her, even when we eventually get back together physically, because the pain has been too much and the damage has already been done.

    Do you have any suggestions on how can we resolve this problem?

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      Author

      Hi Benjamin. Good point!! That IS a huge problem, and not one that’s easy to fix. There is no short term fix. The best you can do is what you’re already doing–acknowledging the longing to be there and the feeling bad that you’re not able to support her in person. You can listen, ask questions, and send lots of empathy down the long distance line. After that, I’m afraid, the rest is up to her. It’s HER job to acknowledge that it sucks that you’re not together, but she has to find a way to manager her resentment about the situation. Unless the bigger picture is that you’ve been promising to move to her town for the last three years and keep putting it off (or something like that) she has to accept the limitations of an LDR until you can be together and find some way to manage them. If she can’t do that appropriately then that becomes (as you pointed out) really toxic to the relationship. Have you tried talking to her about this dynamic (perhaps writing her a letter about it first so that she can have some time to think about it before you talk so she can get past some of the initial reactive defensiveness??) and seeing what she says about it and whether she has any tips on what could help?

  32. Hi Lisa, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year and 4 months now,, met him online,when I saw him.. I was impressed. He introduced me to his family,i felt accepted,the feeling was real. so one fateful day, he told me he traveling to further his studies. At least the first month was not so bad, I was writing my Final exams in uni.. I tried reaching him as possible as I could with the whole stress and being busy.. He is not the calling type but he calls at least when we were together… The 2nd month he got a job. So he combines schooling ND working..Our communication dropped, he doesn’t pick my calls,,we talk like few times in a month. Like 3times in a month.. And what he keeps saying that he is busy bla bla bla.. I am tired of the whole thing.. I keep breaking up with him and don’t know how I will always go back loving up.. I want to move on Lisa, I just feel he has taken me for granted and doesn’t respect me anymore.. I feel so ashamed of myself right now.. And I don’t know if he stills love me cause I still do.. And I still want to move on like without him.. I want to get my life back

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      Author

      Hi Sussan. I have so many questions about this situation–like does the distance have an end date. If he’s studying, presumably he’ll be coming home at some point? Or, at least there is expectation of that? It sounds like you need to have an open talk about how your communication patterns have changed and how you both feel about that, and what would help you feel connected and supported moving forward if you stay together.

  33. I am worried. My boyfriend of 3 months had become possessive of me(tat’s what i amfeeling though) and its just 3 months. We already seen each other,spent time together for weeks. Sometimes i was just wondering if we’re going to be serious or he’s reallu the man for me. I already talked this ome ouy to him but he’s always saying that he’s noy like that. I dunno. Think we need to know each other more. Im really worried. I love him.

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      Hi BusyBee. I hope things are feeling better, but if you’re still feeling a bit smothered, then pay attention to that feeling and keep trying to figure out where it’s coming from and what it signifies.

  34. Hi …im nc from malaysia… 39yrs ….i am married have 3kids .MY RELITIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND this few years always cloudy… but i been involved in LDR almost 6mths … we never been meet but we have a plan to visit… but he is too far myjudd is from DALLAS USA he is single…he is 39 he know iam married. WE BEING TALKING ALMOST EVERY DAY EVERY HOURS ….WE CAN FEEL THE CONNECTION… i love my kids but me and Judd love each other so much. I can feel that i love him so much..i try to let him go one time but he is so sad and mad with me… i tOLD him to find someone ..but he reply he dont want too….he LOVE ME SO MUCH….ME TOO.. BUT THE PROBLEM IS ME…iam married to someone..what must i do….can u help me

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      Author

      Hi NC. It’s clear you have very strong feelings for this man, and he for you. But it’s also clear that there are significant barriers to this online relationship working out. It’s not impossible, but let’s be realistic. The odds that you could leave your husband (with your three kids? without them?) and start a stable relationship with this guy you’ve met online (would you move to the US? Would he move to you?) are very, very slim. Given the challenges involved my honest opinion is that you’re probably wasting your time and energy pursuing this further. I know it’s going to be incredibly painful and emotions are very invested on both sides, but my honest advice is to stop this online relationship with this guy in the US. Cut contact now. Give your head a couple of months to clear, and then pay some attention to whether and how you can repair your marriage or whether you want your marriage to end. Sorry. I know that sounds hard, but it’s a hard situation that you’re in and the likelihood of a happily ever after with this guy in the US is very, very small.

  35. Hi Lisa,
    Have been in a relationship for 3 years, but for the last one year have been away from my girlfriend. It’s been all well nt until of late when we had a misconception in our communications (watsapp texts) and now she thinks have not been happy about us,she nolonger trusts me and for sure I can’t understand my position now. Please Lisa can u advice me on how to go about this situation cause for sure I still need her. How can I reboot our relationship even though we are a couple of miles apart…

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      Author

      Hi there… I hope you’ve sorted it out by now. But, if not, try asking her lots of questions about what she’s feeling and why. Really listen. Don’t try to answer back and defend yourself in the begining. For the first talk or two, just focus on trying to understand what she’s feeling and letting her know you’re really trying to understand. After you’ve spend a good long time listening, then ask if you can share YOUR thoughts and feelings. Chances are, if she feels really listened too, first, then she’ll be more willing to take what you say on board.

  36. Hi, Am Anna I am in a lDR with a man in his late 30s while am in my late 20s, we met when he was back home and dated for a year, our relationship was beautiful until he broke the news that he would like to further his studies and he has been out of the country for two years now. Ihave been there for him through thick and Thin, I noticed he stonewall me each time we have arguments, I ll call and send chats, he reads and no response for weeks. And I love him dearly and I know he loves me too. Am very emotional. I v cried and Shed tears nothing changes, eachti me he calls, he talks so much and won’t allow me talk. Am beginning to think of moving on. He has got good plans, but I can’t deal when a man keeps malice and stone wall me for weeks and come back to profess love after I v called. Am a very attractive lady, he has not introduced me to his family yet. So am thinking of moving on. Thanks

  37. We have been together for 7 years and engaged for 3 years recently a year ago she went to usa for higher studies and i was gutted but everything went well the first year and i start behaving weirdly contacting her always calling her always . And now she says she havent got same feeling for me like she used to have . And she said its better to move on. Im devastated and feels like nothing left for me . I realised what went wrong and told her i will change myself . But she said its bit late but still we havent spilt up but i know where thing going . I wanther badly and i k ow she is the girl for me . I have never cheated on her neither she did . I want to make it for her this relationship is very precious to me
    What to do .

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      Author

      Oh, Kapil. I’m sorry that sounds so painful. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by stopping calling her all the time and creating more space. Holding onto someone too tightly in a LDR rarely makes them want to be with you. So I would think about giving her even MORE space. I know it will hurt, but if she’s talking about moving on, you could try telling her that if she feels that way you want to respect that, but you’d like to stay in touch as friends. Then, send her an email every two or three weeks. Just a chatty, newsy, email. Ask her how she is, etc. Tell her what you’re up to. No pressure. No begging her to come back. Just details about home and asking her questions about what she’s doing and learning. Hopefully, over time, she’ll realize that you’re always there for you in ways that people she’s met more recently can’t be. There’s no guarantee, but perhaps it’s worth trying.

  38. The above mentioned problems are very common in a long distance relationship, but it is not enough to merely know about them, as every problem needs solution, these problems are also required to have some solid solutions, https://medium.com/@Petrovaelena/ating-coach-tips-to-handle-conflicts-in-ldr-e6b79b672db2#.hmzzsbvg9, that can make an LDR smooth. And suspecting that your partner is cheating will again give rise to negativity in your relationship, so first it is important to try to solve the problems with a positive approach.

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