Welcome back to the third and final part of our interview series with Livius Besski, editor of Long Distance Lover – a site for men who love from afar.
Today, I’m interviewing Besski about his advice for men and women in LDRs.
1. What are three pieces of important wisdom you want to offer to men in long distance relationships?
I would like to offer them 4 pieces of wisdom, if you give me permission. Long distance relationships really are easy when you know how to approach them, and the right way to approach them is from 4 different aspects:
1. First of all you want to have the right mindset or the right attitude
In just a few words, this means treating the relationship as a real relationship, and being curious about the future of the relationship in the face of uncertainty instead of being afraid.
Also choosing to be happy in your love lives NOW, even while being far from your partners instead of suffering now and waiting to be happy when you meet or close the distance. This brings us to another mindset which is “enjoying” the intensity of long distance love, because there are very few things in life that make us really feel something and the few things there are absolutely must be enjoyed!
2. Second of all, guys must learn to communicate/connect right in a long distance relationship
This means establishing the means of connection and getting good at connecting/communicating in each particular case. I call a long distance relationship – “The 6-in-1 Relationship” because we connect with each other mainly through 6 different means: Calling, Texting, Skype video calling, Facebook chatting, Email/letters and Meetings face-to-face.
Some couples use all of these forms of communication, others just a few of them. The important part is GETTING GOOD at communicating right in each of the forms that you chose. For example, learning how to text in an attractive way For example, sending different types of texts, not sending to many texts to suffocate your partner (especially when she’s not answering), not freaking out when not getting a quick text reply, and so on. They need to learn how to “act right” on Facebook. How to have fun Skype talks. How to not run out of things to say on the phone. How to make the most of their visits, and so on. By mastering each of these connection forms, long distance dating can be really fun and easy.
3. Thirdly, men need to learn how to deal with the most common relationship problems
Like any other relationship, a long distance one will bring up a variety of problems plus a few more due to the distance. Knowing how to overcome them will make a big difference whether the relationship will survive or not. Examples of such problems include overwhelming jealousy, constant fights, boring conversations, fading of their partners attraction, discouragement about the long distance relationship…
The good news is that each of these problems have been faced and overcame by other couples from whom we can learn. Yay!
4. And lastly, making a long distance relationship work comes down to keeping the fire of love alive
As you’ve already seen, my approach to keeping love alive, simply put, consists of balancing satisfaction and challenge. I believe this is the most optimal and practical way to make love work consciously instead of guessing the love recipe.
You want to satisfy your partner by being romantic and loving with her – “speaking” her love language, showing that you care daily, and overall looking constantly for ways to contribute to her life. And you want to balance the satisfaction part with challenge, by having standards and boundaries, and from time to time building curiosity in the relationship, playfully teasing your partner, being less available sometimes, adding diversity in the relationship, and much more.
Therefore, having the right mindset allows guys to believe in their long distance relationships. Knowing how to connect right through the different forms of communication makes long distance dating fun and easy. Dealing right with the common relationship problems makes long distance dating free of stress. And keeping love alive makes it all worth the effort!
Not so much actually. Most of the advice I give to men applies well to women as well. I actually have a lot of women reading my blog – nearly 40% percent of the readers – and most women find the advice very helpful. There are also some women who are not happy with it of course, but you cannot make everyone happy. I believe in what I talk about. Some women unfortunately interpret the wrong way some of the advice I suggest, taking it out of the context.
Therefore overall, the advice applies to women as well. The reason I believe that is because we both need challenge and satisfaction and we both go about dealing with relationship problems in a similar way.
Besski, thanks so much for joining us this week. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into answering the interview questions and sharing with us from your own experiences!
Readers, you can jump on over to Besski’s site if you’re interested to learn more, but before you go…