6 Options Nothing To Say LDR

6 Options When It Feels Like There’s Nothing To Talk About With Your Long Distance Love

Lisa McKay Activities, Communication & Conflict 17 Comments

Do you ever get on the line with your long distance partner and feel like you have nothing to say?

This was the situation I found myself in when my first child was born. Because of where we were living at the time, I had to travel to Australia three months before I was due to give birth, while my husband, Mike, mostly stayed behind in Laos. He was with me during the birth, and then left again for another couple of months three weeks later.

When we first met long distance, Mike and I used to talk for two to three hours on Skype several times a week about all sorts of interesting things.

During the foggy days of new motherhood, however, I often felt as though I had nothing to contribute to our conversation apart from an update on who was sleeping (or not), who was eating decently (or not), and who was spending what percentage of the day crying or needing to be held.

In fact, I often felt as if huge portions of my brain, my personality, and my professional life were on hold. And when I had too many conversations with Mike where I talked about nothing but the baby and how tired I was, I felt like my relationship was on hold, too.

Have you ever run out of interesting things to talk about in your long distance relationship?

Sure, you might not be exhausted from weeks of broken sleep and the demands of a newborn, but that’s not the only situation that can make connecting long distance difficult!

Maybe you feel like there’s nothing new and interesting going on for you.

Maybe you feel like what’s going on in your life is boring compared to what your partner is dealing with (or, conversely, if you have a high-intensity job like policing or disaster relief, maybe your find it hard to really explain your daily working life to your partner.)

Maybe you’ve just been apart from your long distance partner for what seems like forever and you’re struggling to find fresh things to talk about.

Everyone in a long distance relationship is going to have days (maybe weeks) when talking to their partner doesn’t come naturally–when it takes effort.

That’s normal.

However, in a long distance relationship, conversations are pretty much all you’ve got. So if you find yourself feeling like this too often, for too long, it’s worth making that extra, intentional, effort to push past feeling like you’ve got nothing to say.

401 Great Discussion Questions For Couples

Six things to try when you run out of things to talk about

So how do you push past that feeling. If you’re not sure where to start, here are some things you can try…

1. Write down things you want to tell your partner (or ask them) throughout the day

If you write down things you want to say, you won’t have to struggle to remember them later.

This practice also disciplines you to notice little things to discuss with your partner. It can help you live your day more mindfully–make you more aware of your actions and choices, and more grateful for your blessings.

2. Tell them something that you’re grateful for

Did you know that on a day-to-day basis, most of us are better at focusing on and remembering negative experiences than positive ones? This is called the negativity bias, and it’s why we often start with the difficult or frustrating things when answering the question “how was your day?”

The good news, however, is that we can literally train our brains to think more positively. If we teach ourselves to scan our environment for good things to focus on and talk about this will improve our mood in the short term, make us happier over time, and infuse our relationship with more positive energy.

So practice identifying things that you’re grateful for. Then share these things with your partner.

3. Tell them something from your day, even if it seems small or unimportant

OK, it may not be Mike’s dream Skype date to listen to me list exactly what times I got up out of bed in the cold dark hours to feed our child. However, he might like to hear me describe how Dominic beamed, flapped his arms, and squeaked with delight when my face appeared above him at 2am.

Try telling your loved one stories about the small moments in your life. Paint them a picture with your words. This can help your partner feel more connected to your present reality, and it can help you feel like they understand a little more about what’s really going on for you.

4. Ask questions

When you’re fresh out of things to say (and preferably long before that) ask your partner questions. During those weeks following Dominic’s birth, pretty much all I was doing looking him. During that time, however, Mike was working as part of an emergency response crew following bad flooding in Southern Laos, so there was plenty for him to talk about and for me to ask questions about.

So when you feel like you haven’t got much to talk about yourself, ask questions. And if you’re stuck for questions to ask, pick up a book of questions and look through it for inspiration.

5. Dig deeper

If you feel like you’ve sort of stalled in your relationship or you’re looking for new things to do together, find some resources to help you dig deeper and learn new things about each other. This 12-week series for couples in long distance relationships will help you explore your strengths, personality, love languages, sense of humor, and more.

LBBD Pinterest Image

6. Take a little break

Sometimes when you feel like you have nothing to say, you’re just a little burned out on talking. When you’re in a long distance relationship you can start to feel that you need to call/email every spare minute you have (or for long periods each day.) Over time, that can backfire. (Check out: Are You Talking Too Much In Your Long Distance Relationship?)

If that’s the situation you’re in (or you’re just feeling tired and overwhelmed,) take a break to refresh. Try not talking for a couple of days.

And here’s bonus idea #7… Reach out and touch them

One of the hardest things about being long distance is not being able to reach out and touch each other when you want, am I right?

Having pauses and gaps in your conversations is natural. However, those gaps feel much more comfortable when you’re physically together. Sitting quietly shoulder to shoulder can feel companionable. Sitting quietly on the phone together usually just feels awkward.

There’s still no substitute for a full-body hug when you’re in a long distance relationship, but now there is a fun way to reach out and touch each other. HEY bracelets mimic a real human touch. When you softly squeeze your own HEY bracelet, your partner feels that same gentle squeeze. If you were both wearing HEY, you could fill that pause with a touch. Pretty cool, huh?

hey bracelet image

Leave a comment and share your advice.
What you do when you feel like you’re running out of things to talk about?



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Comments 17

  1. What about if we never meet? I met my boyfriend from dating sites. He is from US and I am not a native speaker. And we are interested each other. At first our conversation going well. But nowdays he talk less, only read my chat if there’s no question from me, and I try hard to keep conversation everyday so I send him msg first. It ruins my days, but somtimes suddenly he send some picts about his day, but he talk less then like he doesn’t care about me (I felt)
    I am confused abt it.
    I want to ask what he wants but idk how the words to say? I want to make a deal with him what thing we should to do to keep the relationship. I love him already.
    How to tell him about it? What do you thing abou him ? Is he bored with me?
    What should I do then?
    Please gimme your advice. Thank you in advance.

  2. Most people have no intention is think is 1:4 that are serious, I have been seaching just can’t find. But wish you all the best and keep pushing. The lucky ones do get the love one

  3. Hi there, i am currently in a long distance relationship for 9 months now. We have met in person twice and we are currently engaged to be married in jan next year. In 19 days my fiance is moving for good to my country to start our lives together. I am from Malaysia and he’s from Holland. So our tips of survival is to communicate on a daily basis as much as you can, no matter how busy your schedule is..we do video calls even when we are on our way to work, a few minutes is better than nothing. When we hit zero topic to talk about we try reading to each other, sing songs, play games…or just keep quiet watching netflix, the most important thing is doing activities together eventhough you arent talking. Bring your partner to do groceries shopping with you or any daily chores, sometimes action speaks louder than words, if you cant include him/her in your daily routine how are you suppose to be together when time comes 🙂

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      1. i realy hope i can find a true love true women
        that i can spend my rest lif with her?
        its seems that all websites they just joken not for real

  4. Me and my girl have been together for about 5 months now, and I feel I want to be closer to her, so I acasionaly ask her random questions like: how are u? Or how was ur day? But it ain’t cutting it I think. Could I get some advice?

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  5. Well in my opinion as a student .
    Ask what is he studying or what did he dreamed of today
    What would a fun moment at has happened that day
    Or ask out of the box random question like
    What is your favourite breed of dog
    Or if you were an animal what would you be

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  6. It has been almost two months since he started being really busy. He is a guy who does not like small talk, so we ended up only texting good morning and good night or sometime, nothing at all. I feel neglected and dont know what to do. Even if i initiate a conversation, eg “what have you been doing?”, he will response “got up at 8, studied, lunch, studied”, which to me, sounds like he cut off the conversation. What should i do?

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      Hi Ivana. It’s so hard to have a conversation with someone who is (intentionally or unintentionally) shutting you down, isn’t it? I would consider telling him that you feel like you’re having a hard time talking and connecting lately. Ask him if he’d be open to using a game or a book of questions (I’ve got one that might help: http://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/401-discussion-questions-couples/) and see if you can talk about a couple of those questions a couple of times a week. You don’t have to do it every call, but it might help to have something new to spark conversation for a while.

  7. What if the “taking a break part” happens to be a week? I have a long distance relationship for 3 months and we only chat on messenger few minutes per day, but sometimes I don’t want to be the one who starts the conversation because I have a feeling that I’m annoying (she did not said anything like that) and it takes a week for her to say something. Also most of the times I feel that she have no desire to keep the conversation going

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      Well… I hate to say it. But if it takes her a week to get back to you EVER (without a very, very good reason) then she’s really not that interested in having a relationship with you. Sorry! I hope you get some clarity, and find someone who is a better fit for you.

  8. Hi been running out of topics to talk about with my fiancee in a long distance relationship Could you kindly give me guidelines.

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      Hi Eileen, Here is a super-cheap way to get hours of good conversation. http://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/shop/ebooks/201-great-discussion-questions-for-couples-in-long-distance-relationships/. I’m currently completely re-writing this book (it’ll soon become 401 questions organized into almost 20 categories) but if you buy this version now I’m emailing everyone who previous bought 201 a free copy of 401. So you’ll get the updated version when it comes out.

  9. My husband and I have been in a long distance relationship for 8 years. Our means of communication is thru skype.It is really true that i ran out of topics to talk with my partner.Likewise he felt the same.I really appreciated your column right now

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